By Gustavo Arellano
By Aimee Murillo
By Matt Coker
By Vickie Chang
By Matt Coker
By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
I salute you, Air Force warrior. But the war on terror doesn't qualify you to treat civilians like Afghan villagers. About 30 of us nerds stood in a line outside a Circuit City all night on Nov. 21 for the chance to grab an Xbox 360 when the store opened at 10 the next day. We signed a list that guaranteed our spot. It wasn't a Circuit City-sponsored list: everyone signed it under the honor system to ensure a fair, pandemonium-free process. Around eight in the morning, you arrived and filed toward the back of the line. You signed the list. But when the store manager began handing out Xbox 360 vouchers, you stormed through the line to grab one. We grumbled but said nothing at first: you wore combat fatigues, stood about 6 feet, and had biceps the size of my thighs. Finally, a small guy whose ticket you stole gently reminded you everyone else had stood in line throughout the night, so why didn't you? Your story changed as much as your commander in chief's reasons for invading Iraq. You first said the line "didn't matter." Then you claimed a cousin stood in line through the chilly night and you replaced him. When the guy in charge of the list asked for the name of your "cousin," you suddenly insisted you bought the voucher from a stranger. And then you repeated that our honor system "didn't matter." We argued with you for about 10 minutes. Throughout this time, you talked down to all of us as if we were new grunts, kept saying we didn't appreciate America, and even admitted to lying by asking who amongst us had never told a lie. You focused your persuasive techniques on a college student, an African-American like you, by using jive talk and dropping the word "brother." When that didn't work, you pointed at the student and shouted, "You probably smoke more dope than the rest of these losers combined." The African-American student screamed out his academic accomplishments—debate team, honor roll, so much more—in an anguished tone and accused you of racism. Then you called the cops, who said you didn't have to give up your voucher. About half an hour later, you marched out of Circuit City triumphantly with an Xbox 360. This Bud's for you, a true douchebag of liberty.
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