!Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican,

I am amexicana who is dating agabacho. Mygabacho always asks me why you see Mexicans lying in the grass under a tree. It never fails—if you drive by a park in Anaheim, there are Mexicans lying under every tree in the park.¿Por qué?

UCI Chicana

Dear Pocha,

Dick Nichols was right. In 2003, the Newport Beach council member riled up every Mexican from El Salvador to SanTana after he told a Daily Pilot reporter too many Mexicans claim the grassy area in Corona del Mar State Beach “as theirs and it becomes their personal, private grounds all day.” Nichols never apologized for the statement, and he didn’t have to—because he was right. Mexicans continue to loll on the Corona del Mar State Beach grass and every green patch in la Naranjaas if it were the outside of a Home Depot. Mexicans, unlike gabachos, are good public citizens who know that parkland is best used for whittling the afternoon away underneath an oak, a salsa-stained paper plate and an empty six-pack of Tecate tossed to the side. SanTana Mayor Miguel Pulido also knows this: he recently went on the record as saying the upcoming Great Park should have a “Latin American” design element to it, which means Irvine can soon expect mucho soccer fields and fat men rubbing their ample panzaswithout shame.

Dear Mexican,

Why does every Mexican man I meet want to invade my ass? I’m a straight-acting gay male who works at a restaurant in Orange. When the busboys and cooks aren’t grabbing each other, they go out of their way to grab my ass or dick, or to just plain eye-rape me. These experiences are not limited to the kitchen staff. A couple of weekends ago, I went to a Día de los Muertos event at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and a greasy churro vendor asked me point-blank if I wanted to suck dick. Are all Mexican men secretly gay?

Jizz Omelets Today Only (JOTO)

Dear JOTO,

Maybe you’re not as straight-acting as you think. But your question reminds me of a funny joke repeated by many Latino comics but usually attributed to César Chávez: What’s the difference between a straight Mexican man and a gay Mexican man? About two beers.In all seriousness, mariconismo is the apex of maleness regardless of ethnicity. It’s well-documented that such manly men as football players, soldiers and longshoremen are habitual ass grabbers and cock flashers. But Mexican men—the manliest of all men—are more open about their hombre love than tight-ass gabachos. SanTana’s bars boast a lively Mexican transsexual and transvestite scene, where glamorous divas bust balls as easily as they nibble on them. And in those bars, the ranchera music crying from the jukebox glorifies the JuanGa, the ranchera archetype immortalized by singer Juan Gabriel that creates the cultural space in which macho wussies can flourish. And every mariachi ensemble includes a fey chap who croons in a blaring falsetto, flutters around like Harvey Fierstein and eventually snuggles in the lap of a pretending-to-be-outraged man, much to the delight of the audience. Mexican men embrace their inner queer, ¿y que,JOTO? Just means more potential brown boyfriends for you.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym,por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

 
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