A Clockwork Orange

Let me tell you how it will be... MCOKER@OCWEEKLY.COM

Posted Nov. 2, 9:50 a.m.

IN THE LAND OF READ MY LIPS, NO NEW TAXES: MORE TAXES
It's funny -- not funny ha-ha, but funny sad -- that the majority of Orange County Supervisors shat all over a plan that would cost them relatively little -- an initial $2.1 million that would have been more than doubled in matching fed funds -- to provide health insurance to 40,000 poor kids. It's reminiscent of years ago when then Supervisor Todd Spitzer led the public shatting all over a plan to adjust how many hours the most impoverished would have to work to receive life-sustaining county aid. That kind of spending is deemed irresponsible or another liberal government handout. Or they simply blame the bankruptcy and say the money's not there -- even though it also wasn't there for the poor before the bankruptcy either.

And yet, when it comes to transportation, the Stupes willingly open that dusty door protecting the county treasury and close their eyes hard as millions and millions and millions are carted away. Yes, in this supposedly conservative bastion of no new taxes, they gleefully raise taxes and fees (a.k.a. more goddamn taxes) to fund more and wider roads. Like crackheads who've just stumbled upon and endless stream of white uh-huh, the Stupes gamely support the extension of a half-cent sales tax for 30 years to raise $11.9 for "transportation improvements." And now they want to have passengers pay a departure fee (a.k.a. more goddamn taxes) to pay for a third terminal at John Wayne Airport.

You might be asking: Didn't we taxpayers just pony up millions upon millions to upgrade JWA? And the answer from the Stupes is, "Hey, somebody's actually talking to us!"

Those tax and spend (on things that benefit the rich) Stupes will talk back, about the importance of this fee, about how vital it is to the county's continued growth, how blah-flippin'-blah, before unanimously approving it on Dec. 20.

GUN CRAZY
Clockwork has commented before, and often, about the whack jobs our Sheriff Mike Carona has surrounded himself with -- an alleged criminal ex-assistant sheriff! A confirmed father-of criminal other ex-assistant sheriff! Gitmoesque jailers! Backstabbing Republican Party operatives on the payroll! And the scariest of them all: the civilians who Carona has given badges and concealed gun permits to.

Some of these pals had criminal records Carona tried to sneak around state regulators, and some of those pals have rewarded Da Sheriff with high-profile incidents where they've brandished their weapons on innocents or, in the case of Carona's Tae Kwan Do instructor, bitch slapped someone with the gun butt. Allegedly. All this has brought shame on a department that seems to own the patent on it. (Makes us long for the days of that comparative paragon of ethics, Brad Gates. Bet you never expected to read that in the Weekly.)

So, yeah, bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they're serving you warrants! A retired Orange County Sheriff's deputy working as a process server got busted early today for firing his weapon and hitting a -- all together now! -- innocent bystander. Allegedly. The unidentified retired lawman was serving a warrant around 1 a.m. at the Vista Pacific Apartments in Malibu, where he knocked on the door, identified himself and then was treated to a pepper-spray facial from the man who opened the door. This presented the cartoonish image of a temporarily blinded retiree whipping out his revolver and firing willy nilly, hitting a relative of the pepper sprayer.

Let Clockwork make this clear: we do not advocate spraying pepper into the face of process servers. But our Crime-o-Meter 2000 rates blindly firing your sidearm as a much greater offense.

Too bad for the retired deputy the shooting did not happen in Orange County so our district attorney Tony Rackauckas could simply sweep it away as if it never happened.

Oh, the victim? He current in a hospital in serious condition.

HEY, PIZZAFACE!
In more crime news -- not involving a gun-toting sheriff associate, as far as we know -- a burglar broke into a San Clemente pizzeria around 3 a.m. Monday and made off with $3,000. Who knew pizza parlors kept that kind of ... wait for it ... DOUGH around?

Thank you, thank you very much. We'll be here all week. Tip our fact-checkers.

Someone who might know that a pie shop has that kind of scratch lying around might be a current or former employee, as we've discovered from countless Barnaby Jones reruns. Giving this theory more credence is the fact that, as the security cameras revealed, before he left, the crook stopped to put on a Sonny's Pizza and Pasta shirt, made himself a pepperoni pie and put it in the oven. However, an alarm alerted deputies (wild hunch: they were not practicing on the firing range), who arrived in time to scare off the intruder before the pie was fully baked. Which is why God invented Domino's. numbnuts!

Posted Oct. 31, 3:30 p.m.

THINGS THAT REALLY, REALLY SCARE ME
A holiday tradition returns at last.
They way Orange County government treats our poorest children.

Not knowing where that ball's been.

OCTA's new initiative to reduce traffic: Take a Crook to Work Day.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Della Reece!

The only way to be safe in local waters (put a mask on, too!).

Orange County Republican Party nominating conventions.

UCI experiments gone horribly awry.

Huntington Beach City Council meetings.

Minutemen.

Orange County's new Extreme Makeover Redevelopment Agency.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Courtney Love!

Orange County AYSO parent meetings.

Ned's 10-Minute Lube, Oil, Filter and Plastic Surgery Center.

OC Weekly's overly agressive IT Department.

Our IT director.

Ned's 10-Minute Wax, Wash, Buff and Laser-Eye Surgery Center.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Connie Chung!

The way my gardener reacts when I
mention the leafblower is too loud.

Our IT intern.

Some people Sheriff Mike Carona doles concealed
weapons permits out to.

Orange County Supervisors' new faith-based Human
Relations Commission.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Camryn Manheim.

My sick fantasies.