OC's 31 Scariest People

Now 25 percent more terrifying!

Kelly Gray went away.

Dude became top man at Irvine-based St. John Knits International eight months ago, and first thing he did was boot wholesome, MILF institution/spokesmodel Kelly Gray (haunting eyes, airbrushed neck) for five minutes of leggy Brazilian Gisele Bundchen before switching to tattooed, blood-drinking serial adoptress Angelina Jolie. Why, dude, why? Is too far from the Nancy Reagan crowd far enough for you? Who's your next face -- Kate Moss? MITIGATING FACTOR: Jolie is smokin'.

Last year, we asked Pope John Paul II to excommunicate Fenton because the spokesperson for the Catholic Diocese of Orange was "combative, insulting and as surly as Saul of Tarsus." His Holiness never answered -- what, the pope's on vacation or something? -- and Fenton continues his war on truth. In January, the Toledo Blade asked Fenton to comment on Thomas Hodgman, a former Mater Dei High choir teacher and current Michigan resident who had just been named a predator in the Orange diocese's $100 million civil settlement with 90 victims of clerical sex abuse. "Under no circumstances does the settlement imply any guilt on anyone's part," Fenton told the Blade -- this just a couple of days after newspapers across the country ran a picture of Fenton's boss, Bishop Tod D. Brown, apologizing to Hodgman's victim, Joelle Casteix, for her abuse during the 1980s. MITIGATING FACTOR: Breaking the Silence, Fenton's documentary explaining the Orange diocese sex-abuse scandal to teens, is the most unintentionally hilarious Catholic romp since the Inquisition segment in History of the World, Part 1.

Photo by Tenaya Hills

The retired Aliso Viejo CPA is founder of the Minuteman Project, which tried to patrol the United States-Mexico border earlier this spring in hopes of keeping away those swarming Mexicans. Can a man who once told the Weekly, "Forty years from now, I see neighborhood armies of 20 to 40 going out and killing and invading one another. The United States is going to have 100 tribes with 100 languages and no common bond. It's future mayhem" also be the same hombre who has a Mexican son-in-law and a Chihuahua named Tia? Such a combination of charm and evil we haven't seen since William F. Buckley. MITIGATING FACTOR: Gilchrist, who also calls himself a "left-wing wacko," is actually one of the most pleasant gentlemen you'll ever meet.

Reproduced by permission of the Trustees of the British Museum

The Bowers Museum of Cultural Art in Santa Ana thinks it's hot shit because it got a bunch of mummies from the British Museum. Well, they won't be laughing when the evil mummies return from the dead and go on an evil-mummy murder rampage like the one in Evil Dead but with mummies instead of just evil spirits taking over the bodies of rutting teens! Remember when the rutting teen inhabited by an evil spirit stuck a pencil in that dude's leg? (I think it was Bruce Campbell.) That was gnarly! And then all the friend dismembering? Fucking evil dead, man. What a drag! MITIGATING FACTOR: If Laurel and Hardy can escape a rampaging mummy, you probably can too.

We thought we'd seen the last of Jo Ellen Allen after her now late husband embarrassed all hell out of the woman and the county GOP (which she co-chaired) by getting sued for defrauding little old ladies out of their life's savings. (It's not a cliche; it's a classic!) But it seems the folks at the Orange County High School of the Arts missed her more than we did. Last month, they named her to their board. That's odd for lots of reasons: one, she‚€™s an Eagle Forum kook, which means she's most likely a fellow traveler in their battles against feminism, sex education, reproductive rights, AIDS education, sexual harassment legislation, federal support for day care and family leave, U.S. involvement with the United Nations, the international Chemical Weapons Treaty, affirmative action, bilingual education, multiculturalism and diversity education, environmental protection efforts, the dangers of pornography, immigration, and, of course, gay and lesbian rights. But wait! There's more! She's also big on creationism and an "even-handed" teaching of the Civil War. So that should be good news for the sweetling students at the Orange County High School of the Arts. MITIGATING FACTOR: The Republican Party is sorely lacking in male ballet students.

Continuing the long and proud Orange County traditions of (a) never getting over a punk band that broke up 20 years ago and (b) suffocating a sense of humor under a bunch of upper body mass and some spider-web tattoos is Caveman Mike Conley, owner of Costa Mesa's Avalon bar (proudly serving people waiting in the parking lot of Detroit for like a year and a half -- beer and wine only!) -- and hopeful litigator against international hip-hop superstar M.I.A., who unfortunately happens to share the same three letters of the alphabet as Conley's old (in the oldest sense of the word) punk band. At press time, his lawsuit -- if it was ever filed -- had yet to affect the rich and famous M.I.A., who at press time was richer and more famous than ever, but Conley took justice into his own fists and fired up the cave-puter for an eight-part series of (tipsy?) e-mails responding to a three-month-old Diary of a Mad County item highlighting his oldness ("Yes, I'm 40") and lameness ("M.IA. was a frontrunner in the O.C. punk movement from 1980 to 1988. In that time we played on four national tours, four Canadian tours, appeared on numerous fanzine covers, ink deases, flipside, trouser press. Played shows with a lot of amazing bands, whom I have a lot of mutal [sic] respect for, DK's, TSOL, Cramps, Minor Threat, Goverment [sic] Issue, Dinasour, Jr. [sic], Adolesents [sic] Vandles [sic] and so on, I could go on but it's not my style") and, most tellingly, his caveman-ness ("Why dont you stop over at Tommys gym in Costa Mesa . . . on Wed. we have open sparring. . . . I'll fold your teath [sic] back for you!"). MITIGATING FACTOR: Recently discovered fire -- and we love Tommy's Gym.

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