By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Oh, and before you contact our producers and complain about what Chris Wallace just wrote: Clockwork gets just as pissed off about excessive military spending as we do for wasteful spending for Medi-Care, food stamps, other aid for families or any other government program.
You know, we hear all this shit from politicians and empty headed know-nothings like Dr. Chubby who want to run government like a business and they do -- just like Enron! (See LARGEST MUNICIPAL BANKRUPTCY IN THE PLANET'S HISTORY, Orange County, Calif., USA.)
Anti-war? Guilty as charged, Dr. Killdare! And in all fairness, our opposition stems from more than the amount of money and living, breathing Americans this war is costing us -- although those are HUGE to us. Last time we checked, there were all sorts of people protesting this war, from dirty hippies who've never met a war they liked to previously gung-ho's who lost a limb or child in the conflict to hardliners who are against ALL foreign involvement to parochial school students with anti-abortion stickers on their red Nissans.
So, if you want to get us for being a typical leftwing newsmonger, we're sure there's plenty of evidence to support that, but being against excessive military spending and this war ain't it.
Semper fi, mutherfucka!
Posted Oct. 21, 5:05 p.m.
Okay, so that wasn't the REAL Tom DeLay booking photo we pointed you to the other day, something that became obvious when the real one started popping up all over the Internet and was much funnier than the Hannibalized version because of the smarmy used-car salesman smirk on DeLay face in the genuine booking photo, as so astutely pointed out by Jon Stewart the other night.
When it comes to REAL photos, you can't beat this one from Sky News, especially given the spot-on assessment in the on-screen caption.
But, come on, Sky News: Is that really BREAKING news? Should be OLD news by now.
BURYING THE LEDES
Clockwork breezed through the next couple stories we'll mention when they originally appeared in the Los Angeles Times and its localer Tribune mate the Daily Pilot on Oct. 20, but on closer inspection there were some telling comments buried in the bowels of each -- that is, if newspaper stories have bowels. (And if they do, they'd be located around the Dear Abby column.)
In the Times story on the Governator vetoing several bills that would make it easier to catch corporations that steal the sales tax they collect, there was this quote from Assemblywoman Mimi Walters (R-Laguna Niguel):
"We need to encourage businesses to come to California. If we start to penalize them for every little thing, we will push them out of the state."
Every. Little Thing. We knew cheating on your taxes was "every little thing." Yep, that's the kind of wisdom you want to have coming out of the pouty lips of the vice chairwoman of Assembly Revenue and Taxation Committee.
Mimi, doll face, that was stupid, even if you do look like a hotter version of Ashton Kutcher's new, high-mileage wife (or at least Meems did when we lovingly watched the then-mayor helm a Laguna Niguel City Council meeting years ago. Mimi? More like Milfy. Grrrrr).
By the way, do you suppose the vice chairwoman of the Assembly Revenue and Taxation Committee cares whether native Californians fudge on their state tax returns? Clockwork made a $364 error -- swear to Howard Jarvis, it was an innocent mistake -- and the state was on our ass like Greg Haidl's new state prison cell mate. Does the vice chairwoman of the Assembly Revenue and Taxation Committee not care if we up and move to, oh, we dunno, South Dakota, because the mean ol' Franchise Tax Board was picking on us?
Good thing we got a California public education and thereby can't find South Dakota on a map!
So lesseee if we've got this Mimi-Schwarzenegger logic correct: Making businesses pay their fair share in taxes is as unfair as making public employee union members pay their fair share in union dues?
Well, guess they're consistent!
The Daily Plot story that piqued Clockwork's interest on second read -- after someone in Readerland informed us we were interested -- was S.J. Cahn's column, which made the bold prediction that American Independent Party candidate Jim Gilchrist WILL NOT win former Rep. Chris Cox's House seat.
Whoa, no wonder the Pilot's paying C.J. in Taco Mesa coupons! Bet he's predicting the Angels won't win the Series this year, too.
But that's not what made us go, "Hmmmmm" like Greg Haidl soon will be on his new state prison inmate. It was this, in parens, no less:
(And just so no one misses it, there's a new front on the El Toro fight -- using the closed Marine Corps air station as a holding area for illegal immigrants. Is it possible, though, that this idea won't prove popular even among those who are against the Great Park?)
Hadn't heard about that new front, but we can't see how that would NOT be popular. Hell, make it an Illegal Immigrant Zoo or, better yet, Illegal Immigrant Country Safari, like the old Lion Country Safari that used to operate where nearby Irvine Meadows Can You Hear Me Now? Wireless Amphitheatre is now. Put up Great Wall-size walls -- you know, like the ones they have in China but not along our southern border. Throw all the illegals/undocumented in there -- letting them take some of the spare drywall from their day jobs in there with them; must be humane, after all -- and after they have a whole life-sustaining metropolis constructed in, oh, 42 minutes, we can start letting the families stuffed into minivans drive through to see them in their natural man made habitat.