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By Charles Lam
. . . was stretching it a bit. Maybe we shoulda said "really ironic" or "really bizarre" or "really worth another 400 words of this column so I can file something before I go home, as required under the new Maoist New Times regime."
How could Crumley fire off a letter about Rooney, who we believe has not moved from that 60 Minutes desk since the very first flicker of TV light came on, but call him "Morley," who, by the way, is a BIG-TIME commie pinko fag (See VIETNAM WAR, Public-Opinion Changing Television Reporting)? Shouldn't a head doctor have his, um, head screwed on tighter than that?.
That's Crumley in white, in the middle
So we went to UC Irvine's Department of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery website and, sure enough, there is a Roger L. Crumley who is not just a member of the faculty but the friggin' CHAIRMAN of the whole department. (Hear his welcome here.) Crumley went to medical school at the University of Iowa and his specialties include facial plastic surgery, sleep apnea and laryngology (vocal problems). A Scorpio, he likes long walks on the beach, hot cocoa on his boat, the S.S. Earwig, and firing off dipshit letters to national television news programs.
Remind us to cancel our willed head to the UCI Department of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery. Heck, when he comes to remove it, he'll probably get the names all screwed up like he did with "Morley" and take Gordon Dillow's by mistake.
Okay, DON'T cancel our willed head to the UCI Department of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery.
That's not the only thing screwy about Dr. Douche. The Rooney segment Crumley referred to, which aired Oct. 2, raised questions about whether the U.S. is getting its bang for the $5.6 billion a month we're spending to fight the war in Iraq. He mentioned that nearly 2,000 Americans have died there even though it's unclear why we went to war in the first place, and "now we have the hurricanes to pay for. One way our government pays for a lot of things is by borrowing from countries like China."
He continued: "Another way the government is planning to pay for the war and the hurricane damage is by cutting spending for things like Medicare prescriptions, highway construction, farm payments, AMTRAK, National Public Radio and loans to graduate students. Do these sound like the things you'd like to cut back on to pay for Iraq?"
Rooney blamed all this "on our bloated military establishment," he went on to outline some of that bloatiness, and then he concluded with some words from that great typical leftwing warmonger, Dwight Eisenhower, who upon leaving the White House as president in 1961 said this:
"We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist. . . ."
"Well, Ike was right," Rooney says before the TV electric tech unplugs him for another week. "That's just what's happened."
Rooney's rant was a something of a follow-up to a segment that was shown this past Aug. 7 but was originally broadcast in October 2004. That one began with him saying, "Our military budget now is $447 billion. A billion is 1,000 million. Sometimes it seems to this old $250-a-month sergeant as if we're buying too many weapons for wars we no longer fight. Maybe our purchasing agent in the Pentagon ought to be replaced."
The veteran newsman then went on to describe something that even the Pentagon would admit: our current armed forces were designed to fight the Cold War, the real threat now is international terrorism, but we have and are continuing to spend billions on the purchasing and upkeep of ships, planes and weapons system designed to fight the dustbinned Soviet Union.
Rooney also wondered why the Air Force needs 30 different kinds of airplanes, and why the Pentagon ordered 21 Stealth bombers at $1 billion, $1 million apiece. Or why we need 50 nuclear submarines at $1.6 billion each or 8,000 Abrams tanks, which cost $3 million per vehicle but could not be used in sandy Baghdad.
Forget about redirecting these funds to social programs like education -- which, in all honesty, is something that radical Rooney threw out there -- but he also said the military could use that money for other things, like training desperately needed Arabic translators.
"The most effective weapon we have in war is still that poor dogface crawling forward on his stomach with a rifle in his hand," Rooney concludes. "The Pentagon might consider spending more money on our soldiers and on better intelligence, and less on billion-dollar weapons that are as out-of-date as the bow and arrow."
You go, girl!
As for you, Dr. Strangehead, this is what we here at "A Minute with A Clockwork Orange" don't get: How does criticizing excessive military spending make one a "typical leftwing newsmonger." Perhaps if we were a fancy pantsy UCI medical department chairman, sucking BIG TIME off the teat of state taxpayers, incidentally, we could afford not to care about the government blowing billions every time that 60 Minutes second-hand ticks.
But that's not really it, is it, Crummy? Sure, because if Rooney or whoever else took a hardline stance against wasteful spending for Medi-Care, food stamps and other aid for families -- you know: blatant socialism -- that would be considered "fair and balanced" reporting. Surely you wouldn't call such a reporter "a typical rightwing newsmonger," eh Dr. Noggin'?