By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, Crazy Glue sniffers, and you could just tell we wuz robbed by the very replay that's been shown more than the Zapruder film, by everyone in a red and white Angels uniform, by everyone in a black and white White Sox uniform, by especially White Sox catcher A.J. (as in Aye Justrobbedya) Pierzynski who ran to first even though HE knew the ball had never touched the ground, and most especially by Angel catcher Josh Paul, who would have tagged Pierzynski had he not got his glove under the low ball -- as proved in the tape. Instead he -- he being Paul -- was like we in,
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, skin-flute players, by an umpire who clearly called Pierzynski out to end the inning, something that was so obvious on the videotape that the umpiring crew members brought before Chicago Braut-breathed newsmen in the post-game press conference HAD TO LIE THROUGH THEIR SHIT-STAINED TEETH to deny what everyone saw -- ball going into glove, ump calling the batter out, respective teams taking the field and going to the dugout. "We saw the same tape you all have and the ball changes direction," said one ump sheepishly. SO THE FUCK WHAT!? As long as there is leather under it, that ball can orbit Neptune as far as we – we who wuz robbed – are concerned, and that does not matter anyway because the home plate ump called Pierzynski out, then Pierzynski ran anyway and -- because he's more influential than the pope? And we mean the old nice one who finally died, not that relic they dust off and shove out there like a dancing bear who can no longer dance -- the crew that couldn't see straight had their thumbs up their rectums, they decided to let him stay on first. "I never yelled him out," ump Doug Eddings explained. YOU NEVER YELLED ONE MUTHAFUCKER OUT ALL NIGHT, DIP SHIT! I'm not out of order. You're out of order! The whole world is out of order because:
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, Fox News viewers, in the worst crime to hit that ballpark since they secretly buried Jimmy Hoffa under the pitching mound, on a night freakified by a mysterious air of idiocy that rained down on this great land of ours. Saw a few seconds of Hannity -- which is the most few seconds we've been able to stomach since, well, EVER! -- just long enough to watch him play the video of the 64-year-old black man getting pummeled by the white cops in New Orleans, and ol' Sean, seeking validity from his guest, one of those ubiquitous prosecutorial blonde bimbots hyper-ventilating cable news shows trot out from their icy lairs, ol' Sean saying over and over, "This looks bad, right?" -- and said prosecutorial blonde bimbot, sure of her role being there to defend the white cops, not sure if she's supposed to be agreeing with ol' Sean, but eventually getting the clue after he repeated "looks bad, huh?" the fifth or sixth time, and then Blondie finally saying, "Oh, yes, absolutely, it looks bad ..." -- which, of course, means ol' Sean's feigned repulsion was the actual setup for her to launch into her case: that what everyone was seeing was not what they were seeing because:
A) There's more to videotape than videotape;
2) Come on, does it really look that bad;
thirdly) We couldn't hear the audio – especially whatever it was the black man was saying with a slight smile on his face while pinned the wall by three sets of burly white arms, the obviously smart assy thing that graying buck was saying that obviously trigged one of those brave white heroes to punch the old man with such force that his head kept bouncing off the wall;
Quatro) Why all the fuss? It's not like they were using their nightsticks on gramps;
Jive 5 talkin') It's a black guy -- hello, you have seen COPS, right? -- and those were white officers of the law. Must we spell it out for you? Really? Okay, it all started 200 years ago, when all these slaves started getting real uppity...
One of those ubiquitous black defense attorneys -- and not Johnnie Cochran, because he's dead, and that'd be creepy -- tried to interrupt by noting there were also statements from eyewitnesses, WHITE eyewitnesses, who were sticking up for the old black guy, at which point, swear to flippin' God, ol' Sean cut him off and said, "Hey, hey, we don't want to hear what the eyewitnesses are saying."
Did I die and go to Crazytown?
Yes indeedy, we live in a time where what you see -- baseballs in Super SloMo going directly into catcher gloves; gentle black teens getting slammed into the hood of LAPD cruisers; grandfatherly black men in New Orleans getting the stuffing knocked out of them by younger, bigger, whiter policemen; unqualified cronies being introduced as the best Supreme Court nominees to be found in the land; innocent Iraqi babies getting all blowed up -- is NOT what you get (to bastardize an old recurring line from The Flip Wilson Show; ask your favorite 64-year-old black grandpa what The Flip Wilson Show was, once he's done spitting the blood and teeth knocked out of his mouth by The Man, that is).