By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
So, in the playoffs, with Colon falling to injury, Lackey getting rocked, Figgins and Guerrero disappearing, Shields getting overused and Rodriguez having to pitch in non-closer situations, it fell to the rest of the roster to make up the slack, and they were just, well, slackers. As Chicago starts selling World Series tickets like there's no tomorrow, here's hoping Los Angeles of Anaheim's guardian angel Arte Moreno creates a better tomorrow for OC's team by cracking open his wallet early and often to address team needs at third base, center field, designated hitter -- and another strong arm or three couldn't hurt.
SUICIDE BY SPORTS
Matt Leinert, 'SC's celebrity quarterback by way of Mater Dei High School of Santa Ana and the vaunted flag football program at St. John the Baptist School of Costa Mesa, saved our life this weekend. Were it not for his last-second heroics in 'SC's thrilling victory over Notre Dame on Saturday, we'd have lost every sports contest we had a rooting interest in this weekend, which included the Angels ouster from the post season, the Raiders getting smoked by San Diego IN OAKLAND!!! and the Ducks falling 4-1 to the Minnesota Wild, despite goalie J.S. Giguere's previous dominance over that squad. Our Sweet Leos of the University of La Verne even lost their homecoming football game 35-7 to Cal Lu. Lutherans! Disgusting!
CONFESSIONS OF A DIRTY MIND
You know, kiddies, way back in my day, we then-young collegians would stage panty raids. Now colleges are just giving nighties and naughties away! According to the brand-spankin' new version of the online Dissent -- which rabbles many a rouse in the South Orange County Community College District covering Saddleback and Irvine Valley colleges -- classrooms are "outfitted" with torn underwear, bathrobes, and various other items of often intimate apparel. No, it's not to recreate a post-apocalyptic Victoria's Secret runway or recurring Clockwork dream sequence; it's so under-supplied teachers have rags for erasing "perennially dirty" white boards.
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that perverts are now lined up around the block at both colleges for chances to sniff the district's makeshift erasers.
WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE ELSE THINK OF THAT?
Environmental groups have come up with a novel solution to the traffic woes plaguing Orange and Riverside counties: Instead of extending toll roads, boring holes through mountains, slapping pavement over pristine Cleveland National Forest land, despoiling fresh-water creeks and threatening spectacular surf spots like Trestles, why not move the jobs Riverside County residents are driving to back to Riverside County?
It is, of course, so common sensical that no politician, bureaucrat or developer will ever give it one thought.
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER
We don't have any rock-solid proof of this, but we're guessing that Assemblyman Van Tran (R-Costa Mesa) was never raped by a priest. Otherwise, he surely would not have presented Assembly Concurrent Resolution 50 on Oct. 14 to Orange bishop Tod D. Brown and auxiliary bishop Dominic M. Luong. The act commends the papacy of Pope John Paul II, especially "the great strides he made for peace and human rights." Unless, of course, it was the peace and human rights of those first victimized by buggering priests, and then a Church that actively shuffled rapists around to avoid prosecution and allow for sexual assaults on more children.
The resolution says Pope John Paul II "was a personal witness to many of the evils of our world" -- except for those evils IN HIS OWN CHURCH!!!
"He promoted reconciliation and dialog" -- except if you were a victim OF HIS OWN CHURCH!!!
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, peoples, we -- being the ANAHEIM Angels, Angels fans and true believers in truth, justice and the Armenian way -- wuz robbed in the dark of night on the south side of Chicago. Not really surprising given the scads of other folks who are every day robbed on the south side of Chicago, where if youse goes down there youse better beware of a certain Bad, Bad Leroy Brown, but this time it was done in front of tens of thousands of eyewitnesses, on live television before millions of viewers, and countless more who saw the ESPN Sportscenter replays. What they saw was obvious:
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, Croce fans, in a fashion bolder than even the Bush White House could conceive. Okay, that's hyperbole. They have conceived, are conceiving and will continue to conceive much nastier ways to rob Americans of their freedoms, wealth, sanity, retirement, health, you name it. That was a horrible comparison. Sratch that. And while you're scratching that, try some ointment and think back to how:
WE WUZ ROBBED!
Oh, we wuz robbed, gloppy Big A nacho breaths, by an umpiring crew so inept that you'd swear they work for FEMA. Hey, Brownie, what the hell are you doin' behind that mask? Shouldn't you be off judging Arabian horses or something? Oh, yeah, you got fired from doing that. Well, the real ump behind the plate Wednesday night should be standing behind Brownie in the unemployment line, because as everyone saw, he turned the other way when: