A Clockwork Orange

What's that, Mr. Orwell? War is peace? Stress is bliss? Horrific nightmares are pleasant daydreams?

Roger that!

Don't know about you all, but this puts in a new light those images of Dubnuts giving glowing support-our-troops speeches with rows of uniformed, future denied-PTSD benefits sufferers behind him.


INTHEBEGINNINGGODCREATEDTHEHEAVENANDEARTH
ANDTHEEARTHWASWITHOUTFORMANDVOID
ANDDARKNESSWASUPONTHEFACEOFTHEDEEP
ANDTHENSOMEOTHERSTUFF...THE END!

A Broadman & Holman Books flack pitched us on including in our upcoming holiday gift guide The HCSB Light Speed Bible, which purportedly "allows anyone with at least a seventh-grade reading ability to read every word of the entire Bible in 24 hours or less—with good comprehension."

Yeah, probably with about as good a comprehension as all those Bible-thumpers out there, those self-proclaimed Bible scholars on the teevee, who routinely misunderestimate the works of Jesus Christ, who surely would have loved what Christian/Libertarian (?) radio host Neil Boortz out of Atlanta had to say about the poor the other day:

"Now, the Daily News in New York has a headline: 'Rich got terror tip.' Rich got terror tip. OK, let's get logical about this, folks. Let's play logic with this. This is as it should be. OK? If we are faced with disaster in this country -- let me ask you this, OK? You just be logical. Get all of the emotion out of this. Get all of the emotion out of this. But if we are faced with a disaster in this country, which group do we want to save? The rich or the poor? Now, if you have time, save as many people as you can. But if you have to set some priorities, where do you go? The rich or the poor? OK? Who is a drag on society? The rich or the poor? Who provide the jobs out there? The rich or the poor? Who fuels -- you know, which group fuels our economy? Drives industry? The rich or the poor?"

What's that, Geddy Lee?

"... and the meek shall inherrrrrrrit the Earth..."

So sorry. Continue, Neil:

"Now if you -- all of a sudden, somebody walks up to you and says, 'Hey, Boortz listener. You're gonna have a -- you have to make a choice. You're going to -- we're gonna move you to another country. And you're just gonna have to make your way in this other country. We have a choice of two countries for you. In this country, people achieve a lot and they are wealthy because of their hard work. In this country, people don't achieve squat. They sit around all the time waiting for somebody else to take care of them. They have children they can't afford. They're uneducated. They can barely read. And the high point of their day is Entertainment Tonight on TV. Which country do you want to live in? The country of the high achievers, or the country of sheep, the country of followers?' You know what you're gonna do. I don't see what the big problem is. I just don't. I mean, if you -- who do I want to save first? The rich. Save the poor first. Then, when every thing's over, where are you gonna go for a job? OK, hey, if I get a tin cup, can I sit next to you and sell pencils too?"

(You can listen to the whole sick twisted thing here.)

So, yes, read the Bible in a day. The publisher's flack claims this'll be a perfect gift-guide story when we couple The HCSB Light Speed Bible with a British cleric's just-released 100-minute Bible and Zondervan's upcoming 90-day Bible. Because today's busy families just don't have the time for the really big cosmic things anymore. But it's especially important that they set aside one day to swallow whole the Good Book or Holy Scriptures or whatever P.C. thing they call it these days because the publisher cites polls that show:

*Only 42 percent of American adults know who delivered the Sermon on the Mount

(MLK???)

*A mere 35 percent of American adults can name the four Gospels

(Dopey, Sleepy, Happy and the Beaver?)

*Less than half of American adults can name the first book of the Bible

(Trick question: it's "About the Author," isn't it?)

*Only 35 percent of American adults know the country that ruled Jerusalem in the time of Jesus

(Jew Jersey?)

Since Clockwork's had it's snarky way with "bestselling author and religious scholar" William Proctor's invaluable tome, it's only fitting that we end with his website so all our heathen readers (you know who you are) can find his work and be saved, forever and ever, hallelujah and amen.
Beee-och!

SHOULDA SEEN THIS ONE COMING
Wayne Besen, the activist/author who rose to fame after photographing "ex-gay" poster boy John Paulk cruising in a gay bar in D.C., blogs about a New York socialite suing the Catholic Church for $5 million, claiming that a priest turned him into a sodomite.

J. David Enright IV, 51, says the Rev. Joseph Romano molested him as a 7-year-old boy at summer camp, and as a result he was unable to live as a suburban heterosexual.

The only thing more expected than this -- and the copycat suits that will follow if this succeeds, perhaps even right here in our own priest-molestation scandalized Diocese of Orange -- will be the Church's reaction:

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