By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Some newspapers have mottos that stand the test of time. The New York Times adopted its motto, perhaps the most famous in the business—"All the news that's fit to print"—sometime in 1897, after weighing "All the world's news, but not a school for scandal" and "One day conservatives will blame us for everything wrong in America, and we'll attempt to kiss up by running improbable stories about weapons of mass destruction in Mesopotamia."
In 1998, we filed a copyright on "What the hell are you looking at?" and then moved on. And on. And on. Our motto changes weekly. And we don't call it a "motto," but a "dropkick" because we couldn't remember the word "motto" at the moment and so Dave Wielenga suggested "dropkick."
Occasionally, the dropkick reflects a passing intra-office squabble (we have Ellen Griley to thank for "Don't diss the hangover hat"). Sometimes it references local news and current events ("Ocean's 11, fecal coliform 17" was a twofer, touching on the George Clooney vehicle and the shitstorm lapping at the shores of Huntington Beach). And sometimes there's a national news hook: "Can't talk now, digging a spider hole" appeared right around the time U.S. forces captured either Saddam Hussein or Tobey Maguire. And rarely they turn a criticism of our work into what's an obvious advantage: "Hailed by Irvine's mayor as OC's no. 1 sex tabloid" speaks for itself. Last week the Register—one of the nation's largest media companies—called us "bullies" and said all we do is "bitch." I mean, God forbid that a newspaper should be critical. So we're working on something there. (Send your recommendations to WSWAIM@OCWEEKLY.COM.)
Because of the obscure origins of these dropkicks, they're sometimes misunderstood. Weeks after the invasion of Iraq, when it was clear the president had failed to find the weapons of mass destruction he said were all over the country—hidden in plain sight, pointed right at you and me—we offered to help. It backfired: our printer, Trend Offset in Los Alamitos (whom we love, by the way), called to ask if "Printed on weapons of mass destruction" was a subliminal critique of their work.
So here they are, in order:
The paper that's loving you until you can love yourself . It's not all bueno . We're sending you (eat) subliminal messages . Joey, do you like movies about gladiators? . It's not you, it's us . Joey Ramone was a punk rocker . We'll never mix sparklers and cosmopolitans again . Where cynicism is an article of faith . A tradition of heritage . We're just big-boned . Bitter? You bet! . Now vacationing on our Texas ranch . You kids, get outta my yard! . Hispantastic! . It's not that we're shy, it's that we don't like you . Culturally insensitive since 1995 . Chock-full of semicolons! . The cutting edgiest . Now utilizing patented Blublockers technology . No Jesus, no peas . Mom did the best she could . What the hell are you looking at? . Now minty fresh! . Now! Saved by the blood of the lamb! . Poor taste, more filling! . Ocean's 11, fecal coliform 17 . ¡Palabra! . We hated pretzels before it was hip . Did you just put me on mute? . Hecho en Gustavo Arellano . Apply. Lather. Rinse Repeat. . You are reading this, and now we have you. . Raining on parades since 1995 . Stop staring! . Surrender the weapons of privilege. We need them . Read daily . Crapnucopia . Irony down 2, we say buy now . What's this button do? . Routing our cells since '95 . Mmmmm, spores! . Not as bad as Bin Laden . We laugh when it's funny . Deconstructing Harry Potter . Whaddyameanthatsnotstuffing?! . Skateboarding is a crime. . Buy none, get one free . Going out is the new staying in . Think outside what box? . See you in hell! Tuesday good for you? . We prefer "amber journalism" . Purchase necessary, obligation required . Steal with your eyes . Not a monkey, not my circus . Now with that not-so-fresh feeling . Partying for peace since last Friday . We have pictures of your dog in our yard . Grab the next copy. We killed a fly with this one . We opposed hand burning before it was fashionable . Ridiculously obscure, but in a good way . What the hell is AM radio for? . Now! Penis enlargement ads 50% bigger. . All of our secrets are open . Official corporate sponsors of love and integrity! . One nation under cod . Rising masses! Please disregard previous message! . Everybody run: your president is out of his mind. We're not kidding. . Weapon of mass destruction . All our pistols are pink . Chicken droppings for the soul . A terrible beauty born each Thurs. . Works like Goo B Gone . Alcohol is your yoga . Murder and the mother tongue . Sexstacy . Homecoming queen does not have a gun . Don't diss the hangover hat . Tight hoodies are the new miniskirts . Boing! . Love is the new sex . Sublime objects of ideology since 1995 . Happy Gringo de Mayo . Printed on weapons of mass destruction . Nothing is free . Look here for the there that's not there . Palindroma queens . Now 38% manger-ier . The bling-blingiest . Now with ginormous marshmallow rainbows . Voice of a nude generation . Our Ike to your Tina . Almost somehow antiseptically plagiarized . We'd always thought there'd be more fire in hell . The password is . . . speculum . Lovers of all things PJ Hyland . Many humans were harmed in the making of this product . Angels fans since Saturday . She's no Gwyneth Paltrow . Made from 100% Balboa ficus trees . Irvine, we love you like an errant brother . Now made from bran muffins! . Playing hacky-sack, frisbee, and Marley since 1995 . My prostate's flaring up like a tiki torch! . What? Are your arms painted on? . We smell eggs and our right arm is numb . We're stochastic! . We won! Now back to the Bachelor . Military entertainment complex . We drop our smarty pants for you . My country wrong or wrong . Still remembering the cruelties! . Do your art project somewhere else! . Wearing your cap forward is totally the new wearing your cap backward . We are not down with anything . Arnie called. He wants to know if those are real. . Genuine artificial grope flavoring . Still small enough to fit in your back pocket if your butt is big! . The history of all hitherto existing societies! . Anarchy maintained by a pistol . My car is more gangster than you! . Waiter there's an aztlan in our soup . Clusterfun! . Emboldened to task you this robust newspaper! . Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back? . 12,000 net carbs . We're watching you watch us watch you . We had jazz hands when punk was cool . We feel your Spain . Catchy like erysipelas! . White jeans are the new white pumps . Robbing the def kids blind . We won't take yes for an answer . We're the new Seattle again . A tempest in a c-cup since 1995 . We don't know ship from shinola . Angrier than a room full of Deans . You'll never waste money on Raid again . Von Dutch, isn't dat vierd? . A sublime object of ideology . War is peace, but ignorance is still just pretty stupid . Can't talk now, digging spider hole . We almost really care, too . No breasts now, check back next week . We don't care mucho . Always oxycontin-free . This is our inside voice . Take back the mourning . Your face looks like ash . Four more jeers! Four more jeers! . Tastes like burning . Hey everyone! Come see how good I look! . Now 15 percent less misinformed about hip-hop! . Worrying is the new trucker's hat . Half the carbs, all the flay-va . Don't accept cheap knock-offs . 1 scummy lawyer down, 914,512 to go . Pimp my whore . We're every mother's dream . Old school is the new school . Proudly serving an evil empire since 1995 . Page 97 folds into a "Go, Lakers!" antennae flag . Where Hooters meets Costco . Don't get a copper-green tan . Heads will roll . Oh, we thought you said we were rucking feckless! . Now with 1,000 reasons this war sucks! . A farce, wrapped in a façade, smothered in a masquerade . All that scratching made me kitsch . Spot the conjoined bims . Free Mandela, jail Cheney . Praised by TheNew York Times (every 9 years) . Tripping on acid reflux since 1995 . Hailed by Irvine's mayor as OC's no. 1 sex tabloid . Evil is the new boring . Hey, ho, way to go Ohio . One more yam and we're gonna blow . Where wholesome goodness begins . Our computers are looking at us funny . Keep those cards and lawsuits coming . Now with less "not so much"! . Now like Radio Free Europe, but not radio and not Europe . 2 is changing the way we think about 11 . Now tres magnifiquer! . OC Weeklye: the extra "e" means superior quality! . Serving Los Angeles of Anaheim since 1995 . Now with fewer wardrobe malfunctions! . The western most of flav-a . Can be used to patch cracking homes . Ruthless because we once trusted a dame . Spot every David Byrne reference, win a pony . The other other OC business lifestyle magazine . Vomiting ingenuity left and right . Even the apes went ape . It's like so OC . Six-gun justice . Inside: we endorse Michael Bolton for UN ambassador . Don't be stupid be a smarty come and join the Nazi popey . Warning: contents may be extremely hot . You don't know God from Godzilla . The paper that makes Frenchmen blush . Includes countless references to fire . Direct softcore porn complaints to Carl Karcher . Sponsors of Deep Throat Appreciation Day at Nixon Library . What are we ganja do now? . Orange diocese 90, Michael Jackson 0 . We don't know what to do other than this . It burns with the power of shark . It's so hot fat guys are making their own sauce . Protecting our double-super-secret sources since '95 . It was better before, before they voted for what's-his-name .
--compiled by Doran A. Walot