By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
ITEM! I saw some darling college girls this weekend, though I did my best not to actually talk to them, as they were trying to sell me a tank-sized Navigatorfor a $100 chance. It was the St. Jude's Clambake Saturday for the children's cancer research hospital, held at Newport Dunes.There was a little boy moonwalking in front of the band;he didn't have cancer, but the teen whom my cigarette smoke enveloped in the spotlight sure had. The Surfaris of Wipeout fame were playing; they're a Christianite band now, playing a lot at Calvary Chapel,and they were good, and there was dinner, and lots and lots of pretty girls. I always promise to hit the various charity galas, and I never have a lick of fun when I do. But my debonair and debauched friend Gordy Grundy ran the auction, and Joe Isuzu emceed, and Lee Iacocca looked very fat and friendly, and St.Jude's never ever asks uninsured families to pay. It sounds sort of socialist to me, but with any luck, that'll be outlawed soon like the good Lord intended.
Socialism is for Hugo Chavez and his Muslim extremistsloafing on top of our yummy crude oil.
The only odd note at the party (I mean besides me blowing smoke on a teen with cancer) was that stupid SUV. After a perky sorority girl tried for the fifth time to sell me a ticket, I asked, "How on earth would I gas that thing up?" (Even Trent Lott called them "those SUV hogs.") Her smile froze. She looked confused. "But it's free!" she offered.
Such optimistic youthful blossoms; they made me realize what a cynic I've become. I tried to bring forth a rosier state of mind—and I did: I'm so glad the Louisiana National Guard and its generators and Hummers and high-water vehicles are in Iraq instead of in nasty old New Orleans. And I'm sure that because of Louisiana's fine sacrifice, the price of oil—I mean democracy!—will fix itself right quick! And if it doesn't, we can always take out democratic Venezuela to show just how it's done!
Please don't take my words out of context. I never said it, and if I did, I meant take it out on a date.
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ITEM DEUX! My boy and I were gonna go to New Orleans in November. Now, maybe not so much. But one thing that does make me feel better, as I consider that fine proud place under floods and water snakes and toxic soup, is knowing that George W. Bush, a man always ready for any contingency, cut $71 million this year from the Army Corps of Engineers' flood management program for the city. From a June 6 article about the cuts in New Orleans CityBusiness? "A study to determine ways to protect the region from a Category 5 hurricane has been shelved for now."
What? Osama bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S.?
You'd think the man would stop going away in August and maybe try July instead.
* * *
ITEM THE THIRD! Perhaps the only thing interesting about The New Yorker's profile of local megablogger and radio bloviator Hugh Hewittlast week was the offhand note that Diane Sawyer used to be an assistant to Richard Nixon. It kind of blows away Hewitt's main contention in life and in his pretty head about the frothing liberal media—a liberal media even Ann Coulter has noted isn't. (Her latest column: "If anything [the media] is moving right.") I'd talk more about his quotes on the political direction of the Catholic Church—"They were wrong on the Soviet Union, wrong on nuclear weapons, and wrong on poverty," he said—but then I'd have to actually call him for comment, and you know I really don't like to be fair.
So as I was saying, since the church positioned itself strongly against the Soviet Union (and poverty), and while we can disagree about nuclear arms (arms are for hugging!), I'd like to be the first to point out that Hugh Hewitt, the Great White Hope, is clearly and objectively a Stalinist in favor of people being more poor, with the deaths of 20 million on his head.
Sorry, Hugh, but your godless communism has been crushed and defeated. Now why don't you go get a haircut and a job?
* * *
ITEM AGAIN! "In 1900, American women did not have the right to vote. If Iraqis could develop a democracy that resembled America in the 1900s, I think we'd all be thrilled. I mean, women's social rights are not critical to the evolution of democracy." That's Reuel Marc Gerecht, a former Middle East specialist for the CIA. But what I keep asking—and asking, and asking—is what happens when Iraqis democratically elect the first person who'll call to tear down the Great Satanor kill all the Jews? What have you got to say to that, Hugh Hewitt? And where can I get one of those fetching burkas?
America: Fuck, yeah!
* * *
ITEM ONE MORE TIME! It's not a cliché: it's a classic!
* * *
And ITEM! I've been pondering on kids a lot lately, with some friends popping them out and others losing their only ones to far-off colleges, and some people's kids getting slaughtered over there while my little buttercup has begun to smell like a man and has a shiny new deodorant stick to prove it.
"Are you freaking out?" I asked a couple as their much-loved only daughter left for God-forsaken Vancouver.
"I'm going to kill myself," he thoughtfully explained.
"I'm not freaking out at all," said she, lying like a Haidl,before I yelled at her that no, she couldn't co-sign on her daughter's checking account or demand to see spreadsheets on living expenses. If our girl blows all her money on dope, she's just going to have to learn how to steal!
And that's your Commie Girl parenting tip for the week. The more you know . . .