By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
BUSH LESS LIKED THAN DICK
Sad news from the Nixon Lie-brary and Fiddlesticks Center of Yorba Linda: It seems that new polling shows that the Trickie Dickster has been surpassed by George W. Bush. Yep, sports fans, that is correct: Dubya's popularity is now lower than Dick's was at the height (depth?) of Watergate. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Or should that be: Oh, how the fallen are mighty! Whatever. All I know is that with numbers as bad as these, there must be a lot of folks on the Right who have had it up to here with Bush. United States Senator Chuck Hagel (R-Nebraska), COME ON DOWN! Hagel says Bush's made-up war has destabilized the Middle East and created a quagmire that's looking increasingly like Vietnam. Without the killer weed. Although the hash is righteous! And speaking of neighboring Afghanistan, it can't help those low poll digits that four more U.S. troops were killed in that piece of un-paradise. And it really can't help matters--including my beloved GOP's retention of the White House--that the Army is now looking at a worst-case scenario of 4 more years in Iraq. Woo-hoo! FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! Remember all the Republifuckfaces yelling that at their GOP National Convention and Monster Truck Pull? You know, when they weren't praying at The Gays? No? Not so much? Whatever. But who knew this is what they meant by FOUR MORE YEARS?! To be fair, I must mention that while I was out, I did happen upon Charlie Rose's interview with Donald Rumsfeld, and that two things crossed my mind: Rummy kinda grows on you, like a more assholic Harry Truman. You can tell he really hates the media and politicians (as if he isn't one himself). The other thing was Rummy made some sense when he said that by going to war in Iraq, we've created a place to fight the war on terrorism, which before had been a war with no borders. So, by staging the fighting in Iraq, we've decreased terrorism elsewhere, most especially American soil. There's a certain amount of logic in that, I must admit. And it apparently makes so much sense that the same argument is now coming out of Bush's vacationing mouth. You know, maybe these guys aren't so wrong, maybe we should . . . hey, wait a minute: That's not how they sold The Whole Flippin' World this war in the first place. Remember: Iraqi ties to 9/11, then weapons of mass destruction, then evil regime change, then because we were on our period, then . . . And terrorism is as prevalent as it's ever been--my source? That other Dick: Dick Cheney!--though thankfully not on our shores (although almost). For insta-reaction to all this, I turn to the Talking Rummy Doll just inches away from my keyboard.
CLOCKWORK: Mr. Talking Rummy Doll, your new argument is that the war in Iraq was necessary to create a battleground to fight terrorism. But that's not how this war was sold. In fact, the reasons for this war constantly change. So why are we to believe you now?
TALKING RUMMY DOLL: Oh, it was your rhetoric that made you do it, and they did this before Bush came to office, well before the Axis of Evil speech. It's utter nonsense.
Uh, thank you Mr. Secretary. Guess that means Dick is Dead. Long live the new Dick. Is it worth mentioning that Rummy started with the old Dick? Yes it is. Maybe they'll give him his own wing there on Yorba Linda Blvd., in between the Fountain of Fibs and Subverting the Constitution Wedding Chapel.
THE HITS KEEP COMING
In scandalous behavior closer to home: your favorite Governor Not Girlie Man has now been lumped in with Tom DeLay, Ohio Governor Bob Taft and retiring-in-disgrace Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham when it comes to politicians using their offices for personal gain. Let's see: DeLay, Taft, Cunningham of San Diego, Schwarzenegger: Republican, Republican, Republican, Cyborg. And remember all that shit Arnie talked about not needing to raise money because of his personal fortune. They have a word for that in Austrian: Lying Sack of Struedel! Oh, and speaking of Ahnuld, take a look here for some disturbing gifts our Govenator accepted, courtesy of Mayor Sam's Sister City blog. You know, Sam Yorty taught Nixon everything he knew. Or was it the other way around? Or was it Dornan? Or both? I don't remember. I was teething.