A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

But let it be duly noted that there is no evidence Pat Robertson ever called for the assassination of any bankers or oil execs.


Posted Aug. 23, 4:47 p.m. Sorry, been busy today. Jeez...

LITTLE, WHITE, DIFFERENT
Clockwork's approaching or very near or thoroughly enveloped in that age where doctors must check, ahem, the butt. More specifically: the butthole. More, more specifically: inside the butthole. Using things colder than fingers wrapped in rubber. (That, I must pay dearly for). Whassat? Too much information? Well chew on this, anal wartsmen: news comes today that researchers have discovered long-term use of aspirin helps ward off colon cancer. The announcement does come with a major "but" for the butt, however: the aspirin must be taken in high doses, so high that the tabs could cause gastrointestinal bleeding. So you've got a choice, sports fans: rectal bleeding from the Big C or internal bleeding from the Big Bayer. I'll take my chances with the aspirin once these researchers answer my most-burning question: exactly how many aspirin must I ram up my butt to achieve "high doses"? And must I pay dearly for that?


ONE PILL MAKES YOU NERVOUS, AND ONE PILL MAKES YOU SMALL, AND ONE PILL MAKES YOU FEEL RESTED AFTER LYING AWAKE ALL NIGHT LONG, GO ASK ALICE WHEN SHE'S 10-FEET TALL
An Irvine company is developing an experimental drug that reverses the effects of sleep deprivation. According to the research journal PLoS Biology--you know, the one with the ripping swimsuit calendar (grrrrrr...)--Dr. Sam A. Deadwyler and his associates at Cortex Pharmaceuticals propose their Ampakine CX717 would particularly benefit individuals affected by extended work hours or night shifts. They have come to this conclusion by making monkeys perform repetitive tasks, keeping them awake, shooting 'em up with the CX717 and then having them perform the same tasks with amazing accuracy. Hey, wasn't this the plot of a Disney movie with a teen Kurt Russell? Or was it that earlier one with Cary Grant and a nubile Marilyn Monroe? All we know is, once this is perfected, expect 'round the clock updates of A Clockwork Orange. Of course, monkeys will be writing it then. And it'll make much more sense. And no heavy doses of aspirins up the butt required.


DRESS FOR SUCCESS, NOT THE 909
The surprising thing is not that it happened, this was as easy to predict as the August sun burning through this morning's haze. No, the surprising thing is it took this long to happen: the unveiling of the first The O.C. branded women's fashion collection. Amazon.com announced today that its virtual boutique will carry Necessary Objects for The O.C., designed by Necessary Objects' Ady Gluck-Frankel with participation from a wardrobe supervisor from The O.C., who was obviously so vital to the process that he/she was not named in Amazon's flacktacular release, which nonetheless did include this bullshittery:

The line captures the young, contemporary, chic look that is synonymous withThe O.C.'s characters and lifestyle.

Oh, so you mean you'll look like smoldering jailbait? Lipstick lesbians? MILF's trying to cram themselves into their hottie daughters' sizes? What, man, what??? Note my bracketed remarks as I continued drooling, er, reading:

Necessary Objects forThe O.C. is a 12-piece collection inspired by the diverse personalities and glamorous Southern California lifestyle of the show's fashionistas[UGH!], pairing unique casual and luxe[LUXE?] pieces to create standout looks that seamlessly transition from day to evening. The color palette includes the rich tones that are the hallmark of fall fashions--mallard[DUCK!], heather[ART DIRECTOR?], deep brown and basic black. The line features pieces with a feminine take on menswear looks[HUH?], such as extended-tab gauchos[STEELY DAN?], spectacular knit tops adorned with sequins and paillettes and an array of playful skirts, including a full-length satin peasant skirt that can serve as a beach coverall during the day or be dressed up with the tie-back halter vest for a stunning and sophisticated evening look.[SHOOT ME] The collection ranges in price from $38 to $78.[REALLY, PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW 'CAUSE . . . SAY, THAT'S ACTUALLY AFFORDABLE]

Amazon has definitely jumped on The O.C. bandwagon for the third season, premiering Sept. 8 on Fox. Besides The O.C. Boutique, they're pimping the complete DVD sets for the show's first [BEST] and second [WEAK] seasons, Music from The O.C. Mixes 1-4 and the ability to subscribe to The O.C. Insider, whatever the hell that is.

Of course, what good are the stunning fashions manufactured to look as if they are worn by actresses pretending to live here good for if you have ugly eyes? Thank the TV Gods, there's another connection to Fox's teen soaper to help you decide whose peepers you should have your Newport plastic surgeon create for you. Melinda Clarke, whose eyes are very pretty, and the rest of her ain't too shabby either, inhabits the bitchy character of mom-from-hell Julie Cooper-Nichol on The O.C., and she's joined Advanced Medical Optics, the maker of Complete MoisturePLUS multi-purpose contact lens solution, to launch a nationwide poll for the America's Most Beautiful Eyes, but this is for the Vision USA eye-care charity, because otherwise that'd just be too damn vain. Whew! Pack enough into that sentence, did we?

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