Posted August 15—in the blue of evening...
THE PURPOSE-DRIVEN CONDOM
In the Baptist Press today, Pastor Rick "Purpose-Driven Life" Warren of Saddleback Church urges Christians (that doesn't include you and me, Catholics) to take up the cause of "the greatest health crisis in history—the worldwide HIV/AIDS pandemic." Of course, Warren being Warren—a shrewd man who masks his church's ultra-conservative dogma with fast-selling pop journals and Andy Griffith Show clips during sermons—his essay quickly becomes an anti-government, anti-non-profit missive. "I believe the local church is the only organization that can eradicate this disease," Warren writes, adding, "The only way for treatment to become universal is to develop a church-based treatment model." Which means abstinence, belief in Jesus and no condom distribution, apparently. Warren might sincerely care for AIDS victims, but what matters more to him: the bodies of the afflicted or their non-saved souls?
MORE FROM WHAT'S NOW OUR FAVORITE NON-WEEKLY WORLD NEWS PAPER: STARBUCKS IS GAY!
According to another Baptist Press item, Starbucks "promotes [the] homosexual agenda" because of its coffee cups. The offending lattes are those featuring a quote by author Armistead Maupin in which he regrets suppressing his sexual orientation for so long because "I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone." The Press reports the Christian right is mulling a boycott of the Seattle-based company and urges good Christian families families to let "Starbucks know they are not happy with the company's promotion of the homosexual agenda." You gotta hand it to the Dobsons, Dornans and Sheldons of the world: they find gayness in everything save their own kind.
Posted 8/15/05, past noon
MIDGET MADNESS
We never got the cult of David Eckstein, the much-beloved midget shortstop whom your Serafines let go to the St. Louis Cardinals last winter so they could sign the good-field (except at clutch time), never-hits Orlando Cabrera (Quick aside to Davey: dunno if this website is yours, but you should tell the administrator to update the damn uniform). But Ecks was unfailingly polite and one of the most kid-friendly Angels, so we respect him for that in this age of cameraman-pushing pendejos and 'roid-ripping liars. Anyway, Eckstein got as angry as we've ever read him yesterday in a New York Times baseball column, telling writer Murray Chase he "was a little disappointed" with the Angels for letting him go. "It definitely hurts a little bit," Eckstein said. "You give an organization everything you have for the four years I was there, and to have it end the way it ended was a little disappointing." Talk about class: Eckstein could've ripped into Angels GM Bill Stoneman—whose 2004 off-season player dealings are approaching a DePodesta-esque level of ineptitude—with some choice expletives but instead expressed disappointment twice in two paragraphs. Could this man be any nicer? Come back, Ecks—your radio spot with Dan the Del Taco Nerd is forgiven.
LAGUNA BEACH: THE REAL CARIBBEAN CUISINE
Don't watch Laguna Beach, the Real O.C.--my television shows are The Simpsons and Arrested Development. But Weekly photo editor T-Bird Hills lets us know that the county's best Caribbean restaurant, Eva's Caribbean Kitchen made a recent appearance on the show. Apparently, two of the cast members—was it the sullen Talan and Sandra Dee-y Christina?--dined at the wonderful spot and flirted mucho. We reviewed Eva's last year and hope the vacuous ninnies who swear by this show and its campier cousin, The O.C., stay away from one of Orange County's more-charming restaurants. As for you, Hole-in-the-Wall-Life acolytes, get the conch fritters!
Posted el 15 de Agosto, morning
YO QUIERO WHEELCHAIR ACCESS
Just as we were about to chomp into some cheddar-ground meat love at Taco Bell, the Los Angeles Times reports today that the Irvine-based company faces a class-action lawsuit alleging all 220 of its California restaurants violate the federal Americans With Disabilities Act and state disability access codes. The main problem seems to stem from metal line dividers through which wheelchair-bound patrons say are too difficult to maneuver. Far from us to feel sympathy for a billion-dollar taco empire, but Taco Bell just can't seem to win anymore. It spent the last couple of years fending off human-rights activists who said Taco Bell's tomato pickers were virtual slaves and settled a similar Colorado disability suit in 2000. And now this. Must make Taco Bell execs wax nostalgic for the days all they had to worry about was P.C. Chicanos whine about a stupid Chihuahua mascot.
DIDN'T WE READ THIS BEFORE?
1. On Sunday, Times SanTana reporter Jennifer Delson profiled Lupe Moreno, a lifelong SanTanan whom anti-immigrant activists love because she's brown. The story is a retelling of what Orange County Register SanTana beat writer Courtney Perkes typed last year, itself a retread of what this charming Mexican hacked out two years ago. Most of la naranja's Latino activist community despise Moreno, but not us. She's actually quite a nice lady—that is, when she's not ranting about dirty Mexicans and the mattresses they leave on street corners.
2. Today, Times scribe Mai Tran devotes the paper's Monday "Orange Peeled" column to the rivalry between the county's two best Balboa Bar makers, Dad's Donuts and Sugar & Spice two doors down. It's a story so obvious, even the cub-biest of scribes can pump it out—which is why we wrote it last fall.
