A CLOCKWORK NARANJA

Clockwork Coker is back! The Mexican is about to get deported. So buy me a pinche driver's license, for chrissakes!: GARELLANO@OCWEEKLY.COM

Posted Monday, August 22, 10ish

ORANGE COUNTY BUREAUCRATS TO VILLA PARK: DIE
A couple of weeks back, we were driving through east Orange on the way to a party hosted by hot Orange County Register reporters. One wrong turn later, and we were lost. No stop lights. No stores. No signs of life. Yep, we were in Villa Park. Now word comes via Pasco that a county agency thinks Villa Park should be disappeared. Specifically, some local area formation commission wants to designate this richest little city with a "zero sphere of influence" label, which is the civic equivalent of a castration. The Villa Park mayor will address the issue at tomorrow's city council meeting and is plenty angry about it. We take no stand on the issue, but wholeheartedly support anything that proves Villa Park isn't where the incredibly mixed-up zombies are biding their time.

ORANGE COUNTY INMATES NOT SO DEATH-PRONE AFTER ALL
Finally some good news for the beleaguered Orange County Sheriff's Department...out of Boston. The Boston Globe reported yesterday that Suffolk County's jails has the lowest mortality rate amongst big cities in the country, ranking just below nosotros. Say what you will about the Carona gang—call them bad parents, call them corrupt, call them abusive, call them duffers, call them jerks, but at least they're no Corcorans.

CLOCKWORK COKER IS BACK!
Just saw him walk into the office mumbling about goddamn Paul Byrd. Meanwhile, the Oakland A's keep losing. Good job, Matt! He posts again at two.

Posted at 10:30 in the morning, just after Schou slammed me in tennis by a final score of 6-2, 6-1

GIVE US LIBERTY OR GIVE US KROM
We're all for progressives in Orange County, and we dig the idea of a Patrick Henry Democrat Club existing in SanTana and talking blue. But the group named after my former elementary school risks tarnishing their lefty credentials if they allow Irvine Mayor Beth Krom to speak this Tuesday at their monthly meeting. Krom continues to antagonize lovers of freedom countywide with her shrill support of her Dark Lord, Irvine councilmember and Great Park chairman Larry Agran, our former favorite politician who unfortunately went Huey Long on everyone by alledgedly trying to steer lucrative contracts to such friends as political consultant Ed "The Knife" Dornan and uber-PR firm, Forde and Mullrich. We once heard Krom speak and thus offer this advice to the Patrick Henry folks: earplugs. And an apple to muffle the laughs.

MOST RIDICULOUS CLAIM OF ETERNITY
"With the PHDC so active, it won't be long before Orange County goes completely blue."

—In regards to the Patrick Henry Democrat Club. Look, we wish the PHDC the best, along with the rest of Orange County that has a soul. But the day Orange County becomes a Democratic stronghold is the day we repeal the 14th Amendment.

ORANGE COUNTY TANGENTIALLY MENTIONED IN SPORTS STORIES!
1. In a harrowing, great Los Angeles Times Magazine piece this morning, it's revealed that former Los Angeles Sparks power forward Latasha Byears had to work at a Buena Park JC Penny for a week because no WNBA team wants her anymore after fighting off an allegation of sexual assault. Byears' case is contrasted with that of Newport Coast resident/bukkake lover Kobe Bryant, but we get back to JC Penney job: "I just couldn't take it. Playing basketball is what I've been doing since high school, and it's all I really know how to do." We like to think she couldn't take it because it was in Buena Park.

2. In an excerpt from her coming book on the Billie Jean King/Bobby Riggs match, New York Times writer Selena Roberts reveals the fabulously chauvinistic Riggs prepped in Newport Beach for his match against Australian champion Margaret Court. And not just at any Newport Beach tennis court, either, says Roberts:

"Bobby's base of operation was the Park Newport condo complex, where he was the tennis director of a swinging singles California enclave for the Geritol set."

Imagine the fun Riggs would've had at the Balboa Bay Club men's steam room.

2. Not so much of a tangent, but not really a sports story, so bear with us: six girls from Buena Park High entered the Guinness Book of World Records yesterday for non-stop reading out loud to the tune of 100 hours at Libreria Martinez. We congratulate the girls and commend the scholars for their choices of The Pearl, The House of Mango Street and Don Quixote...but Tuesdays with Morrie?! Especially after author Mitch Albom made up a column? and offered an apology as lame as that of Rafael Palmeiro?

ORANGE COUNTY COMES THROUGH AGAIN FOR THE FUNDIES!
The New York Times devotes beaucoup pages to the money behind the "intelligent design movement, and it turns out the seed money came from Orange County fundamentalist philanthropist Howard Ahmanson. Ahmanson, the multi-billionaire heir to the Home Savings and Loan banking empire swallowed up long ago by Washington Mutual, was named by Time earlier this year as one of the country's 25 most influential evangelicals for his funding of various Christian Right causes. No joke here: the man keeps scary causes—but we love the historic murals that still adorn many of his old banks!

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