By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Hey, ladies! Feeling the need to treat men like veal? Want to wave money at them and make them dance? Maybe you have some bills to spare for a really good cause—no, not Newport Beach's 2006 RoseParadefloat, whose hungry maw the proceeds from tonight will feed! Yourlovelife!Well, get your well-toned rear end down to the YachtMajesticfor Just Friends' OC's Most Eligible Bachelor Auction, featuring fancy dates with fancy men who are doctors and lawyers and firefolk and builders. Mmmm, builders. I went to one of those auctions once. It was fun! When I wrote about it and teased it (gently!), one of the bachelors wrote a letter saying I was so ugly that if I'd bid on him, he would have paid double to avoid me; he also made fun of me for having one eye—and then accused me of being an insensitive human being. So here's hoping none of Just Friends' bachelors are like that. 7-10 p.m. $15. Aboard theYacht Majestic, Newport Beach Harbor, 2901 W. Pacific Coast Hwy. (park under the building), (949) 278-1017.
In a sluggish economy, when inflation and recession hit the land of the free, you know who can take your mind off your pain? TheCircleJerkscan. Go forth, and tell KeithMorrisI love him. $17. 7 p.m. All ages. Vault 350, 350 Pine Ave., Long Beach, (888) 80-VAULT; www.vault350.com.
MissionSanJuanCapistranocontinues its absolutely wonderful Music Under the Starssummer concert series. Grab a blanket and someone to make out with for the bitchen Andean folk of Alturas. 6:30 p.m. $12-$15. All ages. Mission San Juan Capistrano Courtyard, 31522 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 234-1300; www.missionsjc.com.
Feel free to mock me endlessly, but I've got a thing for early '80s prog-rock supergroup Asia. "Heat of the Moment"? "Sole Survivor"? They pleaseme. God, I am so lame. With Tom Griesgraberand the McKibben Band. $16.50. 8 p.m. All ages. Coach House, 33157 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano, (949) 496-8930; www.thecoachhouse.com.
Or if you're a little less lame than I am, go see StevieNicksat the Arrowhead Pond, even though the last time I saw her in concert, she was endlessly dull. 8 p.m. $40-$115. All ages. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2500; www.arrowheadpond.com.
Check out OffNightComedyat the very cool PlushCafein Fullerton. I can't vouch for the comedy, but I can vouch for the fact that for this Monday at least, I won't have to tell you to stay home and grout your tile. 8 p.m. All ages. Plush Cafe, 207 N. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 738-5100; www.plushcafe.com.
Go to the Orange County Fair, and be sure to buy a deep-fried avocado stuffed with carne asada and cheese. (I'm dead serious.) Then get your tootsies rubbed on the tootsie-rubbing machine, go on a fuckload of rides, and be sure to stop by the ArtsandCraftsbuildings, where you can check out such delightful bizarrities as the table-setting competition. (I'm dead serious again!) 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 708-1500; www.ocfair.com. Tues.-Thurs., noon-midnight; Fri.-Sun., 10 a.m.-midnight. $8; seniors, $6; children 6-12, $4; children 5 and under, free.
You thought TiaJuana'swas just a big-box yuppie cattle pen, didn't you? Well, it is! But it's also got the OCSwingDanceClubgetting together for some swinging. And unlike the letter I got today from a devoted reader, I don't mean "swinging" like what done knocked JackRyanout of the Illinois Senate race. Ew. 8:30 p.m. Lesson first 30 minutes. $7. Tia Juana's, 14988 Sand Canyon Ave., Irvine, (949) 551-2998.
No shit, guys, last week BruceHornsbywas still charging $35 a ticket at TheHouseofBluesor somesuch, and tonight we can get TheWhiteStripesat the teeny, intimate GlassHousefor $20. $20! And they're playing the freaking Glass House! My little mind, she is blown. My dears, I wish you the very best of luck in getting a ticket, because that would be fucking cool. 8 p.m. All ages. The Glass House, 200 W. Second St., Pomona, (909) 629-0377.