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THURSDAY,JULY14
PatBenataris a battlefield at the OC Fair, and there's a WeirdWarat the Glass House: they hate us, we hate them, we can't win.

FRIDAY
Everyone at the Weeklyloves Xbecause X reminds them of the days when they used to do drugs. That's why I like the Rolling Blackouts, who remind me of the days when I used to drink. Like Saturday, July 2. Or at the OCFairtoday.

ALSO: Visionaries member LMNOhas done a million collaborations and even has a third solo album about to release this summer, but I need to mention his best track, "Headlock," which he shares with Madlib: "Why you LMNO?" "'Cause I leave my name out!" In related news: I need to mention Madlib every week because it gets us more hits on the website. Blue Cheer, too. Also Live 8 War Of The Worlds Luther Vandross illegal fireworks Viagra Cialis Vicodin nude naked adult Lindsay Lohan boob job at the Blue Café.

ALSO: Ex-L7 guitarist DonitaSparkspretends she's not dead at the Doll Hut. Hot rumors: like our nerd-bros in the Mae Shi, Donita will appear playing an actual LA punk in the never-to-be-released Germs bio-pic. Contacted kneeling at the naked feet of Freddie Mercury in the afterlife, Darby said, "Rawwwwwwwwwwww, who the fuck is managing my esssssssssstate?"

SATURDAY
JaRuleis the North Korea of rappers: making threats just to get attention, and also willing to do anything for a few million dollars. Sucks when the big news in your career is you made a song that doesn't call Eminem's preteen daughter a slut. At the HOBwith Triniti and a ton of preteen sluts.

AND: ATribeCalledQuestgot a dis track, too, back on the Westside Connection album ("Cross 'Em Out and Put a 'K'": "Knew this bitch by the name of Q-Tip . . ."), which was pretty, uh, unnecessary: couldn't Ice Cube and Mack 10 think of something that rhymed with PM Dawn instead? Like the song says: "A lower plateau is what we're above/If you dis us, we won't even think of . . ." Tribe is slogging back toward anyone being aware they're back at all with a recent hits-and-leftover-bits compilation heavy on the Busta Rhymes and light on the unremarkable unreleased songs; instead, it's a nice tap on the shoulder from songs like "Can I Kick It" (hey, Lou Reed sample) and "(I Left My Wallet In) El Segundo." In related news, Ice Cube begins shooting a new movie today: FatPaycheckMeetstheTwoCuteKidsPlusanAnaconda.Cross 'em out and put a "$." At the Vault 350.

AND STILL: Audio-ruiner Kid 606prepares his beats for torture at Koo's: this dude helped invent whatever genre he now dominates—house beats under Einsturzende Neubaten noise, plus self-consciously clever song titles—and brought his laptop to shows before anyone else. This is probably one of the most progressive shows Koo's has booked recently: there may be no guitars tonight at all. With openers Eats Tapes, who beat an Atari 2600 with a rock and then dumped the guts on a Trouble Funk record.

ALSO: Pop sheen with Maxeenat the Glass House; Paper Planesget blisters at the Blue Cafe; Heartopens wide at the OC Fair; Dr. Knowwith the old-new singer of the Dead Kennedys (if he's back in the old band) at Doll Hut; Los Wild Teensgot pachuco soul at the Galaxy; Club Orange Juicegets loose with post-punk/funk/etc. at Bamboo Terrace.

SUNDAY
Would you believe I've never heard an AlanisMorissettesong all the way through? I've heard plenty of jokes about her, though. Don't fuck with the Zeitgeist. At OCPAC.

PLUS: DeathByStereohave a song about irony too. It's called "One-Legged Man in an Ass-Kicking Contest," and the ironic thing is: he wins! At Glass House.

AND: The Boys of Summerman-whore tour at the HOB, where fans of boy-pop gigolos like New Kids on the Block, E-Town, 98 Degrees, Menudo, Boyzone, Clonezone and Conor Oberst can splurge for a "VIP experience package" that generously compensates Jordan Knight, Jeff Timmons, Dan Millerand Michael Coponfor having to be within panting distance of the public that loves them.

AND: JarsofClaybland it for the Lord at the Harvest Crusade; Von Ivaand Sexytime Explosionscowl for the bored at Alex's.

MONDAY
Did you see the new R. Kelly video for "Trapped in the Closet: I, II, III, IV and V"? It's like Buñuel's Exterminating Angel, except in a closet.

TUESDAY
It's not music, but DanaCarveyand VictoriaJacksonand KevinNealon. . . ah, fuck it. At the OCFairif you miss the jokes you'd repeat Monday morning your freshman year of high school.

WEDNESDAY
It's not music, but JulioIglesiasdoes something to the women in white pants that embarrasses the shit out of their teenage children if they find out about it. To be middle-aged and bronzed . . . At the OCFairif you wanna slip him a hotel room key.

THURSDAY,JULY21
Everyone at the Weeklyloves Beckbecause Beck reminds them of the days when they found out their kids were smoking weed. That's why I like Blue Cheer, who orgy teens pissing blonde movies hot naked blondes fat bellies medical marijuana prescriptions delivered direct to your door. At the OC Fair with the Decemberists, who sound like the Smiths via the ArthurKinks and the stories where F. Scott Fitzgerald wasn't getting along with his editor.