July 7 - July 14

Thurs/July 7
It's theater! It's cabaret! It's an intimate experience that conjures up the charm of a bygone era! And you know what? So's an afternoon in Commie Girl's boudoir! Ho ho ho! (Ho.) But seriously, folks. CirqueLili, from what I can tell, is a play about a circus, and it has juggling! And accordions! And French people. Sorry about that. 8 p.m. Additional dates through July 27. $25-$35. Tent outside Irvine Barclay Theatre, 4242 Campus Dr., Irvine, (949) 854-4646; www.thebarclay.org.


Fri
I can't do an impression of DaveChappelleas RickJamescalling out Charlie Murphy. Can you? Can Charlie Murphy? Come see the man (Eddie's brother, bitch!) at the Brea Improv. Please, please, please don't shout out that you're Rick James, Godrest his skanky soul. 8:30 & 10:30 p.m. $22. BreaImprov,120S.BreaBlvd.,Brea,(714)482-0700.


Sat
Just one week after the BigBeautifulWomen'sthird anniversary at their Costa Mesa size acceptance (hell, adoration) club, it's NightieNiteat the Butterfly Lounge. Do you have any idea the treat (whoops! I just typed "threat"!) that is in store for the lovers of large ladies? And this time . . . in nighties??? We'd go, but it's about zero fun being the baby who doesn't got back at a BBW event; really, it's no fun at all. 719W.19thSt.,CostaMesa,(949)642-2243.

Or? Shake that fat ass at the Amtrak, for the whateverth annual Mooning of the Trainat Mugs Away Saloon. All day until 11:30 p.m.; bar closes at 2 a.m. 27324 Camino Capistrano #102, Laguna Niguel, (949) 582-9716.


Sun
Normally I wouldn't approve of anything interrupting my drinking and making out when I'm at Azteca, unless it were a slab of asadaor a karaoke show featuring me and a little bit of Irene Cara. But now that the Straight to Hell Comedy Show, a "Sunday ritual for the religiously challenged," has made Azteca its venue, maybe I'll finally get to see it. I've been a bad, bad girl. 9 p.m. $5. AztecaRestaurant,12911MainSt.,GardenGrove,(714)638-3790.


Mon
Teach your children well. Fuck, or something.


Tues
Hey! Go see TheAdolescentskicking off their first tour since 1989 . . . with an in-store appearance at a Virginrecord store. Are all of them still alive? Did I ever date one? Does anybody know what time it is? Does anybody really care? VirginMegastore,theBlockatOrange,20CityBlvd.,Orange,(714)769-4400.


Wed
I miss JohnAshcroft.You miss John Ashcroft? Especially now that that pervy Alberto Gonzaleshas taken the sheets off the Statue of Justice's right boob? (And hey, remember how prior to 9/11Ashcroft announced he would be focusing on prosecutions of porn? Good times.) Well, Barnes & Noblehelps you remember the good old days of five months ago with TheBannedBookClubas it discusses ToKillaMockingbirdby Harper Lee. Why would anyone ban To Kill a Mockingbird? I don't know! But neither can I figure out why 10 Republicansin the U.S. Senate refused last month to co-sponsor a bill apologizing for the Senate's failure to outlaw lynchingthe first five decades that the bills were brought before them. 7 p.m. Barnes&Noble,7881EdingerAve.,HuntingtonBeach,(714)897-8781.


Thurs/July 14
Here's a lengthy quotation from the best press release in history: "Why do some men want to take care of you and others want to take your clothes off? Understand how attraction works with both men and women. Learn how men develop in stages and what they need most in each stage. Find out that you have what it takes to attract love and devotion." I do? Ihave what it takes to attract love and devotion? Well, shet yo mouth! Join me at Understand Men 101, because I will be there if I have to kill my mother to do it. 7 p.m. Hilton Costa Mesa, 3050 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (800) 418-9924.

 
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