By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
I've been feeling my inner raving lunatic coming on for months now—haven't you?—and I found the most delightful outlet for it just last Wednesday: sitting atop a banquette in a meeting room at a Coco'sin Mission Viejo, I screamed at a bunch of ancient South County Democrats(and waved my arms around like Hitler)until each and every one of them rolled over to let me scratch his or her soft, padded underbelly. Who'syour alpha male? I'myour alpha male!
And oh, how they loved it.
They thought it was hilariouswhen I explained to them that I had thoughtthey were beautiful (despite the fact that they are terribly old),but I had changed my mind since all they wanted to do was ask my colleague JimWashburnquestion after question—positively bathingthemselves in Jim's profundities—while I sat there, pretty and petite, and hadn't even given my goddamn speech yet! That's right! They weren't so beautiful after all! Nor was I too pleased to be there!
"Why are you asking himall the questions?" I shrieked at them. "Is it because he's aman?!"
Yes, I wasPMSing, thank you, and I'm freaking happy to say so!
Let's see you try to menstruate, Washburn! Go ahead! I'llwait.
I told them, further, that they better try not to sound crazy when they're talking to their neighbors, because they dosound crazy and theydamnwellknowit!
Really, I was terrific. Jim was good too.
"Please, Rebecca," said lesanciens,rolling and snuffling in masochistic glee, "may we have some more?"
Then we had us some faith healings, and, as always, I closed with a little soft-shoe.
* * *
Except I also talked (yelled and berated, really) about a lot of other shit as well, and considering I was just a tiny bit drunk (not my fault, since I'd been to a very fancy art opening, where I was discreetly adored by very old and very famous artists, until just moments previous), I had just a masterful command of my facts, if not so much my syntax. FACT: The 44 U.S. senators representing Blue states represent 9 million more "folks" than the 55 U.S. senators representing Red states. So every time some asshole starts piously intoning about Senate Democrats obstructing the will of the people (although no one seems to be weeping hot salty tears for the will of the people who elected the Senate Democrats!), well, wouldn't it be nice if we could kill him?
Oooh, sorry. That's something Texas Republican SenatorJohnCornynwould say, and I apologize! I really do! See, calling for someone's death (I mean besides retired Baltimore Raven Anthony Siragusa, but I didn't so much call for his imminentdeath as for him to die "lonely and alone," presumably at some far off, and therefore even more depressing since he'd then be old, date) is something even I would consider beyond the pale. Did Cornyn apologize for stating during the Schiavofeeding frenzy (get it?) that violence against judges was understandable? Not so much, to my knowledge. Did KarlRoveapologize for just last week accusing Democrats of committing treason? No, and he never the fuck will—and for all the people demanding that he apologize? Stop it! Your oversensitive pussy is showing!
Hey, did y'all hear this week when Republican SenatorRick"ManonDog"Santorumsaid the CatholicChurchmolestation scandal epicentered in Boston because Boston was a center of liberalism? Dude, liberals are totallychild molesters—just ask Scott Ritter, the UN weapons inspector whose report that said Iraqhad no WMDwas derided by folks in the administration who smeared him as—you guessed it!—a child molester.
We're batshit? No, you'rebatshit, you batshit motherfuckers!
To prove it, here's a post from FreeRepublic.comhypothesizing eloquently on who will replace SandraDayO'Connoron the SupremeCourt(for my money? It'll be Hitler!). And when Sandra Day O'Connor is considered the Civilized One by the left, we're in for happy, happy pain time. Oh, so let's look at what the batshit say:
* * *
But Democrats lately have been apologizing for just anything they could find. Like GovernorSchwarzeneggerhaving to turn to other candidates' promises since he'd run out of his own to break, the Dems lately have taken to apologizing for other people's sins. And, really, I'm starting to get a wee bit pissed.
Illinois Senator DickDurbinlast month came in for a rash of shit because he said the way we were treating prisoners at Guantanamowas un-American. He compared it to some really bad dudes, like PolPotand—yes—Hitler, to show just how un-American it is to detain people without access to lawyers and—oh, yeah—hang some from wires and beat others until they were dead.
After a couple of weeks of FOXNewsand some unholy Democrats (proving just how "moderate" they could be by disavowing him the way the Dems denied MichaelMooreand, while we're at it, Peterdenied Christ) beating the holy hell out of him for saying the H word when, damn it (and these were their true examples of the U.S.'s beneficence in the matter), we give them meals and they get to serve their detention in the tropics (although I believe John McCain's palatial suite in the Hanoi Hiltonwas tropical, too, no?), well, Durbin apologized.
But you know who never backs down? The South County Democrats know. Howard Dean, onetime presidential candidate and current head of the Democratic National Committee. Motherfucker never stands down, no matter how much faux angst is wept by pundits accusing him of being batshit and out of line. Oh, I'm sorry. Did Howard Dean say that the Republican Party is pretty much exclusively white and Christian? Well, tear my hair! Let's see: Whatgot avoided on the news that week because Howard Dean said the GOP was white and Christian? (And by the way, I'd like to see what happened if you accused one of them of being a Mexican Jew.) Oh. Huh. Well, that same week, the extremelycontroversial JaniceRogersBrowngot her ass into a lifetime seat on the D.C.CircuitCourtofAppeals.The Senate voted for further PATRIOTActpolice powers.
Nothing to see here, folks.
Oh, right: and people were starting to have to workto avoid the Downing Street Memo.
Enter Howard Dean!
And so I told the sweetling old folks at the South County Dems meeting—and I'm telling your ass now—send the man money!
Send him $5, $20, $500, or some Monopolymoney with a cheery little note.
Or, you know, just go have a drink and scream at people on the way.
You're mad as hell, and you're not going to take it anymore, remember?
Um, you know: yargh.