Password to No Success

Illustration by Bob AulYou are a perfect example of why anyone should NOT join a sorority. You are selfish, insecure, bitchy, and so fucking spoiled and inconsiderate it makes me want to beat your botoxed, chemically peeled face. You know why nobody here likes you? Because you are such a bitch! Unfortunately for us, we're stuck with you. We all know how threatened you feel by three very attractive, smart and strong women UNDER the age of 30. We've been here longer, are loved by every department, and we single-handedly made this one of the best departments in this entire company. They respect our opinions, and when it comes to accountability, they know that we are always on top of everything. As for you, you proved to us how insecure you were within the first six months. We know you badmouthed us to other departments. What? You thought they wouldn't tell us? We've been here years longer than you. Everyone talks about your bitch face—you know the one I'm talking about. And stop fidgeting with your hair and scratching at your face. Didn't they ever teach you that those are not only annoying habits but they are also signs of insecurity, low self-esteem and a total lack of self-confidence? Your little bullshit projects are just that: BULLSHIT! Why don't you get off the phone with the boyfriend who'll NEVER marry you and accept the fact that you'll never get all those things you wanted because you don't deserve them. Here's a warning: I have the password to your e-mail. If you keep up that Hiltonesque, bitchy attitude, I will read all your personal e-mails and find the worst one. Then I'll "accidentally" fire it off to THE BOSS.

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