Funny, in Floods

I assume Carlos Alazraqui wears pants; it was a phoner

Photo by Daniel Longmire/
Courtesy Comedy CentralLast week, my colleague Matt Coker interviewed Tom Lennon, the unambiguously gay Lt. Dangle on Reno911!This week, Carlos Alazraqui, who was the voice of the Taco Bell Chihuahua that launched a thousand LULAC boycotts and who appears as the incredibly angry Deputy Garcia on (you guessed it!) Reno911!, is coming to the Brea Improv. I decided to totally jack Matt's vibe (and some of his questions), and, hopefully, take his job, just like I once took the job of the Boy About Town. But I just now realized I forgot to ask Alazraqui anything of interest to anyone at all, so I should probably be fired too. Fucking karma, man. She's a bitch.

OCWeekly:My colleagueMattCokerinterviewedDanglelastweek,soIneedyoutobefunnier,okay?Okay,befunny!Go!

CarlosAlazraqui:Okay. You gonna ask me some questions or something?

No,notreally.

[ . . . ]

[ . . . ]

Okay,um,who'sfunnier,youorDangle?

I am, because I have to be funny in long pants. I don't have the shorts to be funny forme.

Who'sthefunniestpersoninthecast?

Well, actually my pants are floods, so anybody who has to be funny in full-lengthpants. Cedric Yarbrough is the funniest.

Whichone'she?

He's the big handsome black fella.

Oooh,heis abighandsomeblackfella!

I know. I can say that because I'm comfortable in my sexuality. I've even hugged Thomas Lennon with nothing on but a crotch patch.

Crotchpad?

Crotch patch. For when you're supposed to be naked. (There's a crew. They don't want to see that.) [His call waiting chimes. He was on the cover of the LATimesTV insert, with his name spelled wrong. Many people are calling to congratulate him, except his name was spelled wrong.]

Youshouldtotallysue!

I'm not very litigious. Now Michael Jackson . . .

Oh,no,wearenotgettingsuckedintoMichaelJackson...unlessyou'vegotgoodmaterial?

[Jackson material excised, but with a fine imitation of Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka.]

Hey,rememberthatbigoldhullabalooabouttheTacoBellChihuahua?

Yes I doremember that!

Okay.

People can get awfully upset about a funny voice. I also play Munroe on TheLifeandTimesofJuniperLee.

Hey,here'soneofthequestionsmyfriendaskedDangle:HaveyoueverseenWonder Showzen?

No, what's that?

Idon'tknow.It'sapparentlyaSesame Street typeofshow,butnotforkids.Danglehasn'tseenitbecausehedoesn'thavecable.

I have cable, but I'm mostly an ESPN guy. My favorite show is TheOffice—the BritishOffice.It's subtle, and wonderful!

YouknowI'mnotlisteninganymore,right?

It's hard to be funny when you drive a Volvo.

HaveyoueverlookedatyourVolvoonacid?

I've never done acid, or smoked pot! I'm a beer and alcohol guy. I've been drunk and looked at my car. And I said, 'Hey, when did I get an 8-door?'

[. . .]

I guess cars look pretty funny on acid, huh?

Oh,Iwouldn'tknow!Ihavetoadmitsomethingtoyou.Ihadtheopportunitytopreviewyourshowyearsago,andIdidn'tbecauseIassumedyouwerelikePabloFranciscoorsomething.

Well, he came up after me, and a lot of people did compare us. I'm angrier, a little more political. It's not, "What would Gene Wilder be like as a trainer at Sea World?" Ican make weird leaps and jumps and lose an audience.

[Thing on Dr. Phil, and also the Promise Keepers, which I didn't take down properly—funny, though!—from which led a long, interesting conversation on cognitive behavioralism, which I am for,and Alazraqui is against,believing you need to know why you're doing something rather than just modifying your behavior. Punch line: "I wouldn't take that advice from a contractor: What you need to do is paint overit, and stop lookingat it!" Sorry.]

Okay,anythingelse?

I'm fun to watch, what the heck! I'm physical! I'm bringing it! I'm bringing it! Well, short of tumbling. And I do seven minutes as Deputy Garcia, so the Renofans get that, and they can ask questions.

Ooh,whatkindofquestionsdotheyask?MaybeIcanuseoneofthose!

Oh, you know, like [boring question I didn't take down].

Oh,here'saquestionIwrotedown:Who'stheworstpersoninthecasttoworkwith?

There was a mule in [one] season. It stank.

Youmeananactualmule,notadrugmule?

Yes, an actual mule.

Thatdoesn'tcount!Who'sactuallytheworst?

You know, I'm handsome without my mustache!

Youare?Idon'tevenknowwhatyoulooklike!

Come to Brea and find out.

Areyoumarried?

No. Are you?

No.

You can be my guest!

Ilovethataboutyou!

Everybody does!

CARLOS ALAZRAQUI PERFORMS AT THE BREA IMPROV, 120 S. BREA BLVD., BREA, (714) 482-0700. THURS., JUNE 23, 8:30 P.M.; FRI., 8:30 & 10:30 P.M.; SAT., 7 & 9 P.M.; SUN., 7 P.M. $15.

 
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