Diary of a Mad County

Saturday, June 18
Happybirthdaytome.I take solace today from a random e-mail I get that tells me the Creatorhas given me everything I need to succeed. I take a little less solace when I read on and find the e-mail is advertising a web site devoted to barnyard sex.

Sunday, June 19
Moo.

Monday, June 20
Henryand SusanSamuelihold their first press conference as owners of the MightyDucksofAnaheimand immediately earn the admiration of fans when they announce they're all for changing the team name to something more palatable: Bears, Fightin' Lichtensteiners, Syphilitic Vagrants, anything. They then one-up Angel owner Arte Moreno—who made a splash by immediately lowering beer prices at Anaheim Stadium as his first order of business—by lowering ticket prices at the Pond by 5 percent. They also calmed any fears that they, like Disney, don't really care or know anything about hockey and are just buying the team to set up the purchase of an NBAteam. Henry defuses this by saying he really doesn't know that much about hockey, has never owned hockey season tickets, and that if he had to pick a favorite winter sport it would be skiing. What's more, as for that NBA nonsense, Henry says his favorite team sport is basketballand "I'd be really happy to take an NBA team." Next question.

Tuesday, June 21
Happy Birthday, sis. Next question.