By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Wednesday, June 8
General Motors,which apparently was an automobile manufacturer at one time, cuts thousandsof jobs because, what with the BushBoomthat has followed the Bush tax cuts, employees are just too rich to work these days. Oh, wait. Anyway, times are tough for American carmakers; not only do they have to worry about competition from the Germansand the Japanese,but now they're having to duke it out with the Koreans,EdBegleyJr.and the U.S.military.Still, GM competitor Fordgot some good news today when the Christianactivist group the AmericanFamilyAssociation(AFA) of Tupelo, Mississippi, announced it was suspending its boycott against the company. Asked for a reaction to the announcement, a Ford spokesman said, "They have cars in Mississippi?"The AFA said it went after Ford because the company "has done the most to affirm and promote the homosexuallifestyle," and, let's be honest, you don't get much gayer than driving an F-150truck. In fact, it's rare you'll find a gay-empowering rainbowsticker on an F-150 because most gays simply find it redundant.Exactly what effect the lifting of the sanctions will have on new car sales for Ford is not immediately known since most people in Mississippi lease their ox-drawnvehicles. Still, the AFA is not only claiming victory but says it's the second time it's brought a major US company to its knees (so gay).Last month, the AFA ended its nine-year boycott against Disney because of its promotion of the gay lifestyle (Timon, Pumbaa,GreatMomentswithMr.Lincoln).Disney said it never changed the way it did business or its policies in response to an AFA boycott and, in fact, reported higher earnings and increased attendance at its theme parks during that time. Still, the AFA claimed "victory." In a related story, Carthageannounced it would accept Rome'sunconditional surrender.
Thursday, June 9
And if you thought the Bush initiatives were great for the economy, just look what he's doing for education!Today, SaddlebackHighPrincipal EstherJonessends a memo to teachers asking them to reconsider grades for failingseniors. Jones is panicked that Saddleback won't meet the minimumgraduation rate of 82.8 percent necessary to comply with Bush's NoChildLeftBehindlaw. "I am asking teachers of these non-graduates to please review your records for these students and determine if they would merit a grade of 'D' instead of a failure." Teachers are outraged. (Stoners, layaboutsand dumbkids,on the other hand, immediately nominate Jones for a NobelPrize,an award that has nothing to do with secondary education, but being too stoned, lazy or dumb, they don't know that.) One teacher said that Jones asked her to take two seniors off the failing list, one of whom had a 51 percent in her statistics class 60 percent was passing. Teachers not only complain that such actions threaten teachers' academicfreedombut also argue that it erodes credibility when a teacher simply pushes students along no matter how unworthy just to make the Bushes happy. There's a name for that in education: Yale.
Friday, June 10
Driving toward nature.Interesting thing about driving toward nature: as you get closer to nature you get a huge increase in the number of unnaturalconveyances.While in the city, it's pretty much one vehicle per person. But you start getting all natural, and now we're talking two and three vehicles per RVs pulling Hondas, trucks chock full of motorcycles,quadsand ATVs,all ready to rip nature a new one kind of like the TCA.
Saturday, June 11
Arrive in nature, at a ranch in northernCalifornia.Beautiful. Surrounded by hills, mountains,trees, meadows,all of them containing creatureswaiting for that one vulnerable moment to attackkind of like the TCA.
Sunday, June 12
Still in nature.One thing about nature, I find that people have the same reaction when in it as they do when they're in museums.There is this overwhelming need for them to commenton it. And it's really not necessary. Nature is beautiful and sublimeand what it communicates cannot be put into words, yet you'll be looking at a beautiful sunset or beautiful mountains or beautifulcraplike that and people feel the need to say not only how beautiful it is but that we should learn from this and what it all means and might even start talking about God.Me? I imagine that among those hills and trees are animalsdesiring to slurpmyinnards like spaghetti.Really makes you think.
Monday, June 13
MichaelJackson,who, like GM, was big at one time, is acquittedof child molestation in a Santa Maria court, though in the court of public opinion he is still guilty of releasing HIStory.The Santa Rosa verdict angers many while bringing joyto the pathetic wretches whose own lives are so devoid of meaning they must project their hopes and dreams onto the sad and bizarre husk of a man-childHold on to your dreams, kids! Noting the tension, law enforcement officials plead for calm,especially in the celebrity community. "We realize that celebrities are well aware that they can do anything and get away with it," a police spokesman says. "Murder, rape,molestation,driving a car into a Special Olympics parade, setting fire to nunsusing puppiesas kindling, double murders involving ex-wives and their friends, murder involving ex-wives sitting in cars, raping hotel employees, killingMarilynMonroe,leaving a woman to drown in a car, jaywalking . . ." Indeed, as the late JohnnieCochranmight say: "If you have the fame, there is no shame. If you have the money, there is . . . wait a minute. I'm dead. I don't have to talk this shit anymore."