By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
I like watching BradPittand AngelinaJoliehave sex. I do. And while I'm sure this says yet another terrible thing about me, I don't care! I like it! A lot! And if there was a purloined sex tapefeaturing the two of them, I would shell out up to $100 to see that purloined sex tape on Pay-Per-View. Oh, yes, I would.
The critics and my little brother Cakeyboydidn't care for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's new movie, Mr.&Mrs.Smith. The critics (and my little brother) are clearly nothing but joyless and juiceless bags of desiccated skin sprinkled with a fetching smattering of dandruff. I don't want to spoil the movie for y'all, but Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sex in it, and I, for one, am forit! Oh, it's not just any old sex. It's stuff-breaking sex, and it comes right after they kick the shit out of each other in a potent maelstrom of foreplay (he actually kicks her, really hard, while she's down). CommieMomand I love movies where men and women kick the shit out of each other—our former favorite was CraigBierkovs. GeenaDavisin LongKissGoodnight—and, again, I'm sure this says something about us, but for the life of me I can't figure out what.
I like celebrities and their doings, especially when their doings are each other. How exhausted do you suppose Brad Pitt is, anyway? And is there a point at which he becomes completely emasculated by his inability to keep that voracious beast of a woman sated for more than 20 minutes? That's a woman you just know owns a trapeze.
In my experience—my terriblylimitedexperience—my non-experience, really—in fact my completely befuddled and innocent Doris Day-ness—promise!—men only want to be eaten alive by a woman for a littlewhile, and then? They get crabby!
So at what point does Brad Pitt turn into a pouty little bitch and she has to promise to keep the sex to like two athletic hours a day and let him come up for air? A man does need to regroup, you know, with some him-time!More importantly: Do you think they ever do it in semi-public places?
I like to wonder.
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I like celebrities who are smart and interesting and talented (see above), but I also like TomCruiseand Katie Holmes. I like to gawk as he goes into full-on mania, and I like to look at pictures of her with herpes on her mouth, and I like to reflect on the fact that even though I've been dating a man I like for the same amount of time Cruise and Holmes have been dating—that would be six weeks—theman I like has yet to jump on Oprah's couch declaring my fabulousness, and his unflinching love for same, to the world. He's more of a sitter, really, which is cool, because he even stayed sitting through a most unfortunate discussion on my feelings,and I believe he even nodded at appropriate intervals, although I can't be sure because I was a third of the way to a good, old-fashioned wine drunk. What can I say? It was Sunday!
* * *
A lot of high-minded folk don't think we should be paying so much attention to celebrities. They say it takes away from the discussion of important things in the world, like the Downing Street Memo. (This paper, by the way, was the first American paper to mention its existence, back on May 6. Unfortunately, we didn't refer to it as the Downing Street Memo, opting instead for the more piquant phrasing "some memo." And thus will the Nexismonkeys never know our fame.) NeilCavutohimself opined on FOXNewsthat the president was having a hard time persuading voters to support his SocialSecurityprivatization because the media was focused on MichaelJacksoninstead. Neil Cavuto said this not once, but more than once! No, Neil. People aren't supporting the president's Social Security privatization because the more they learn of it, the more they think it stinks—which is whythe corporatist media is distracting them from it with Michael Jackson. People aren't learning of the DowningStreetMemobecause of Michael Jackson. I'm pretty sure the thing you'recomplaining of is due to Bill Clinton, and how he rapedHillaryto conceive Chelseaand all. Please get your liberal media conspiracies straight!
And those verdicts? Not the Bill Clinton ones! The Michael Jackson ones, silly! (Bill Clinton will doubtless be brought up for thought crimes against the state nextyear.) Completely anticlimactic, don't you think? I have nothing against Michael Jackson—actually, I feel terribly sorry for him, crazy pathetic drunky puppy that he is—but is getting to watch as a really, really famous person goes to prison so much to ask? We're one-for-four on celebrity trials these days, and MarthaStewartseemed as happy as a clam to bond with the girls on the block. She came back refreshed like this quaint antique red oak floor once it's stripped of all its dulling residue. I hear vinegar—applied just so!—does the trick.
But those high-minded people who decry our celebrity journalism should be ashamed of themselves. If I wasn't watching LindsayLohanand JessicaSimpsonbe skanky, how would I know how not to be? TheOrangeCountyRegister's Hollywood reporter BarryKoltnowtook quite the opposite tack from the high-minded folk, tearing them a new one this week with a frothing look at Brad Pitt that called him a crybaby and said journalism was under siege because Pitt refused to answer personal questions at a press conference and had an interview with Diane "Snatch" Sawyerwhere he would only talk about Africa. Okay, so Koltnow's column was almost unbearably lame, but still! It's nice to have someone fighting for your imperiled right to demandanswers as to whom people are porking!
If we didn't have Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's sex life to talk out, you'd just have to hear even more about mine—which actually, come to think of it, is fascinating, what with the feelingsand the ramblingand the unfortunatewinedrunkand all, and you don't get to hear a thing. Poor, pitiful you.