Diary of a Mad County

By Steve Lowery

WEDNESDAY
May 18
In a moment of political courage the likes of which have been unseen since the days of FreedomFries,the state Assembly passes TomUmberg's"Truth in Sports Advertising Act" requiring the LosAngelesAngels—yourLos Angeles Angels—to admit they actually play in Anaheim,a fact hidden from just about everyone except the millions who attend games in Anaheim or watch them on TV or have access to a brain. Throwing caution to the wind, Umberg, whose district includes Anaheim, and Anaheim Mayor CurtPringlelobby legislators to pass the bill, and with so much partisan bickering over such piddly matters as the state's crumblingschools,isn't it refreshing to see Democrats (Umberg) and Republicans (Pringle) come together for the good of the people, especially the ones educated in the state's crumbling public schools, who can't think so good. Hailing the legislation, Assemblyman ChuckDeVore(R-Irvine) says, "I don't think anybody believes the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim actually play in Los Angeles. They play in Anaheim. I think it's pretty obvious." He voted no. RayHaynes(R-Murrieta) gushes that the bill is "absolutely foolish," adding that "our budget is $4billionout of balance now, our freeways are overcrowded, our houses cost too much, we're running out of water, we're running out of electricity and we're arguing about whether the Angels ought to be called the Los Angeles Angels or the Anaheim Angels." Ready to cash in on such political capital, Umberg hints he will next demand that bars inform patrons that LongIslandIcedTeascontain neither tea nor Long Island and that freelance contractors along Harbor Boulevard who promise patrons a "trip around the world" inform their clients they will get no farther than the reclined position of the captainchairin their HondaOdyssey.

THURSDAY
May 19
From Chris Ziegler: We learn this week through Rich Kane that MikeConley—whoruns Avalon Bar in Costa Mesa and used to be in '80s hardcore band M.I.A.—ispreparing to sue SriLankanrapper M.I.A. Although Conley's M.I.A. hasn't recorded any music or played a show in 17 years, he still reports that he received a flood of calls asking him if his '80s hardcore band would be reuniting at Coachella, where the non-fossilizedM.I.A. was playing, mostly from people out of touch enough to a) think an '80s hardcore band would be invited to reunite at Coachella and b) want to go to Coachella to see them. In related news, the Avalon in Hollywoodis preparing a lawsuit against Conley because they're tired of people calling them up when KoolMoeDeeis hosting a club night and asking if SeanMulvahillis DJ-ing. Still, any press is good press for Conley and Avalon, which at press time had never received any press for anything ever. We took the situation straight to the public,which, after an extensive conversation clarifying that this was about the Avalon in Costa Mesa, not the more famous Avalon in Hollywood, and about the M.I.A. that was an '80s hardcore band, not the more famous M.I.A. who is a Sri Lankan rapper, inhaled sharply and said, "Who the fuck even remembers that band to get confused?"

FRIDAY
May 20
Cutesy child rapist MaryKayLeTourneaubasks in the glow of the EntertainmentTonightcameras set up to record her wedding to fiancé/rape victim ViliFualaau.ETcrows that it has the exclusive rights to broadcast the wedding but emphasizes it didn't pay for the rights. Okay, but then where did the couple get the money to hire buses to shuttle the 200 guests to the wedding's secretlocation—a Washington state winery—andwho's paying for the security force that's not only frisking guests for cameras but also patrolling the surrounding grounds? Still, ETmaintains it would never pay for the rights to the wedding of a childrapist,which they are now promoting and will air over a couple of nights, because that would be wrong. By the way, look for ET'sexclusive coverage of "Hot Moroccan Nights," featuring the NationalManBoyLoveAssociationand a very special tribute to BigBillTilden.

SATURDAY
May 21
The LongBeachGayPrideFestivalkicks off today under the motto, "Equal Rights: No More, No Less." Earlier in the week, State Senator BillMorrow,whose district includes San Clemente, San Juan Capistrano and that part of the brain desperately fighting the urge to rent Steve Reeves movies, brings a bill to the Senate Judiciary Committee that would limit marriage to male-femaleunions,you know, like ones between formerteachersand the pupilstheyraped.Trying to deflect criticism that the bill is anti-gay,Morrow says, "It is important to recognize that homosexual activists fired the first shot on this issue." Yeah, where do gays and lesbians get off (careful) demanding the right to love who they want? Morrow, whose website says he fights for "individual freedom, equal rights . . . and limitedgovernment,"continued that gays and lesbians "had the ability to do whatever they wanted in private—nearly every single right that married couples maintain, through domestic partnerships—but that was not enough." Is there anyone reading those words who doesn't hear the roar of "separate but equal"? Yeah, where do people who aren't me get off (careful) wanting to attend/teach in our schools, wanting to marry whites/gays/lesbians? We gave them 40acres/domesticpartnership,we pass laws that frown on lynching/bashing, and sometimes we kinda enforce it. What more do they want?

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