Thurs., May 12: Do you enjoy both cheese and wine? Me too! Which is why one of these Thursdays I'll be attending the Thursday Night Cheese & Wine Tasting, but not tonight. You, however, can! Cheese expert James Drakefordteaches you about the classic characteristics of wines and cheeses and why they pair well together, while you get sloshed. Reservations recommended. Arrive between 5:30 & 7 p.m. $15. Laguna Culinary Arts, 845 Laguna Canyon Rd., Laguna Beach; www.lagunaculinaryarts.com, (949) 494-4006.
Fri.: If grand alien and master lover GeorgeClintonweren't taking the lion's share, your $40 ticket would give each member of P-Funkroughly a single clam. They've got band members whose whole job is to play shakey thing, and band members whose whole job is to write inspirational sayings like "Get the funk!" on a scratch pad. And they will kick your ass with joy for hours. Mmmm, ass-joy! 8 p.m. All ages. $40. Vault 350, 350 Pine Ave., Long Beach, (888) 80-VAULT; www.vault350.com.
Sat.: AimeeGreenberggets crazy on a "merged-media epic poem," DonaSangre(GiveBlood), the story of the fall of "Grace," a white orphan raised by a Mexican maid on a Santa Barbara ranch in the '50s. Shipwrecked off the coast of Baja, Grace survives by adopting a brown face and joining a group of nomadic female rancheras. Crazy! The material isn't suitable for children under 14, which really has never stopped me before. 8 p.m.; no late seating. $20. BC Space Gallery, 235 Forest Ave., second floor, Laguna Beach, (between Laura Downing and Candy Baron), (949) 246-1698; www.bcspace.com. Seating is limited and reservations are recommended.
Sun.: What's with the Hawaii fixation lately? First IrvineBarclayhas like a 72-week ukulele festival, and now the fine, fine city of Santa Fe Springs offers you the AlohaExpowith ono food, arts and crafts, Polynesian products for sale, Pacific Island entertainment and much Aloha spirit. I loveAloha spirit! Especially the kind that caused such trouble for the Bradys. 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Free. Heritage Park, south of Telegraph Road, 12100 Mora Dr., Santa Fe Springs, (714) 675-0989; www.aloha-expo.com.
Mon.: Ron Burkhardt, one of the artists selected to represent the U.S. at the Biennale dell'Arte Contemporaneain Florence this December, shows at Bayside. You could go and have some drinks and stuff too. 11:30 a.m.-10 p.m. Bayside, 900 Bayside Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 721-1222.
Tues.: Don't miss Tuesday Tons of Laughs. Is it a comedy show for fatties? And if so, can they maybe find a new fat guy to replace Horatio Sanzon SNL? I hate that guy! 8:30 p.m. Free. $10 per person minimum food/drink order. Martini Blues, 5874 Edinger Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 840-2129; www.martiniblues.com.
Wed.: RandyWeeks,who wrote Lucinda Williams' "CarWheels on a Gravel Road,"is an absolutely terrific Americana singer/songwriter who sounds oddly like Willie Nelsonto me, even though no one else at the office hears it at all. They're just stupid. With ISeeHawksinL.A.and The Fallen Stars. 10 p.m. Call for covers. 21+. Blue Café, 210 The Promenade N., Long Beach, (562) 983-7111; www.thebluecafe.com.
Thurs., May 19: Dr.PaulApodacaunmasks Zorroin his lecture "Unmasking Zorro."Wanna trace the possible source of this dashing fictional character and his potential link to San Juan Capistrano? Me too! But you pretty much can go only if you're retired or, like LauraBush,a desperate housewife: the gig's at 10 a.m. MissionSanJuanCapistrano,31522CaminoCapistrano,SanJuanCapistrano,(949)234-1300.