By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Photo by Jack GouldWednesday, May 4: Huntington Beach funnyman Rep.DanaRohrabachersays he'll be looking into reports that Oklahoma City co-bomber TerryNicholsis now claiming he and Tim McVeigh did a three-waywith Roger Moore, who, it turns out, is not the James Bond actor but an Arkansas gun dealer, who, it turns out, wasknown around the compound by the pet name "Octopussy." The LATimesreveals that Nichols, in a letter to the grandmother of two boys killed in the bombing, alleges that Moore gave McVeigh some of the explosive material that he and Nichols used to build the bomb. Rohrabacher says he'll be looking into this as well as other complicated schemes to weaken the public's trustin their government, including one alleged plot involving the launderingofthousandsofdollarsto benefit activities contrary to the well-being of the nation . . . wait, that's not the Oklahoma City bombing, that's what the NewYorkTimesreported that congressmen such as Rohrabacher have been doing for embattled House majority leader Tom DeLay. The Timessays DeLay, through a political action committee (PAC), had funneled money to Republican lawmakers who, in turn, funneledit back to DeLay to pay for his mounting legal costs caused by his mounting, and subsequent feverish humping, of House ethics guidelines. The Timessays that DeLay, through his Americans for a Republican Majority PAC (PRICKS) gave $5,000 to Rohrabacher, who, a few months later, gave $5,000 to the Legal Expense Trust that DeLay is using to pay lawyers' fees. Rohrabacher, reacting strongly to the story, said the Times"ought to worry about Medicareand Mexicanscoming over the border. Those are the real problems" . . . wait, that wasn't Rohrabacher, that was Moore talking about the government investigation into hisactivities. Moore completely denied reports that, the day of the bombing, he got drunk and crowed, "We just saved America!. . . Kick ass!" . . . wait, that was Dana Rohrabacher, who got drunk and yelled that election night last November . . . By the way, in doing a little research for this bit, I went back to Scott Moxley's election night story that chronicled Rohrabacher's beer-goggledrantand noticed the reason Rep. Chris Cox gave for his party saving the country was that "Republicans are all about peace, prosperity and security." Peace. Prosperity. Security. How's that working out for you?
Thursday, May 5: Joyful patrons, some of them camped out from the previous evening, enter Disneylandfor the first day of celebrations marking its 50th anniversary. Many of the customers wear commemorative pins marking the development of such park innovations as the singing automaton and the $4 pickle.
Friday, May 6: This is a blur; I believe I had chickenfor lunch, but I will not swear to it.
Saturday, May 7: Word at the volleyballtournamentis that sexualpredatorsare everywhere, especially next door where they look in on daughterschanging their clothes and everyone knows they are doing it but nobody can do anything about it because, as the copssaid, "Lady, they have more rights than you do." This is not well-received, nor is the news that not only are the cops in cahoots with the molesters, but so are local governmentsand realtors, especially realtors, who sell you a house with full knowledge there's a molester living next door and don't tell you about it. All are in accord on this point, witness the fact that it's a well-known fact realtors rarely live next door to sexual deviants. Of course, it was pointed out, you can check on the computer where these people—the deviants, not the realtors—live and, it turns out, one just lives two blocks over next to the park and that's just not going to work out. All agreed on this final point and were intrigued when it was put to the group that the whole TomCruise/KatieHolmesromance is something of a "beard situation," since they always seem to be "looking at the cameras whenever they kiss. You can tell that they're just doing this to be seen." Though it wasn't explicitly said regarding the Cruise affair, it was understood that participants suspected the guiding hand of realtors.
Sunday, May 8: Happy Mother's Day. I find I crymuch more easily the older I get. I cry all the time, though never in front of anyone. Just about anything can set me off. I choked up in church today when, during a video tribute to mothers, a quote from AbrahamLincolnflashed on the screen that said anything good he had become was because of his "angel mother." This got me right in the throat, which, I guess, is understandable today. But just a couple of days before, I started blubberingduring a documentary about super horse Secretariat—and not even at the part where Secretariat dies, but during a replay of the Belmont Stakes, which he won by, like, 50 lengths. I'm like that. I just cryand cryand cryand obsessabout being caught away from home with nowhere to go to the bathroom.
Monday, May 9: Peace. Prosperity. Security. Let's see. Filled my car up with gas—so grateful prices had fallen all the way down to $2.55a gallon—then headed out to work while listening to analysis of American business pillars General Motors and Ford having their stocks rated as "junk" and the effect this will have on a stockmarketteeteringaround the 10,000 mark. Get to work, do my best to avoid eye contact, then, minutes before leaving, NadiaAfghaniannounces there's been another freeway shooting, this one on the connector from the south Costa Mesa (55) Freeway to the south Santa Ana (5). We discuss the psychology of serial killers and why TheoDouglasinsists on wearing those socks that appear to be knee-high nylons, and then it's time to go home and I get on the 5 and soon find a greenpickupriding my ass and wonder why the pickup isn't going around me since I'm in the second lane. But the truck just keeps getting closer and closer and then slowly changes lanes on my right and inches toward me and I start to feel as helpless as the Marinesin Iraqwho, I've just heard on the radio, have lost several more of their brethren in the midst of yet another sweep of insurgents, perhaps because the body armorthat they wear in battle is being recalled by the government because apparently the body armor doesn't so much armor the body as be completely useless, which is probably one explanation why the Marines have missedtheir recruiting goalfor the past four months and the Army has blown its for the past three. I pound the accelerator, change lanes and speed home to the safety of the house I can't afford.
Tuesday, May 10 Done.