Blood on the Water

And fire in the sky!

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Did you know I was about to opine on John Bolton? It's true. It was going to be a funny little segueway between the fairly bad Elviswe saw, the losers we yelled at, and John Bolton, who yells at losers too (and chases them down hallways, and throws shoes at them, I believe), if when you say "losers" you mean "people whose assessments of intelligence differ from what John Bolton wants to hear." But nobody claimed that Gina and I could be diplomats, or even ambassadorto the United Nations! We'd never get security clearance, for one, due to all the hookers and booze.

But here's my wee little thought on this: John Bolton got Bernie Keriked. I mean, for crying out loud, John Negropontejust cruised through his nomination to director of National Intelligence, despite single-handedly inventing the Latin American Death Squad, because he declined to hit people (with shoes). When Bernie Kerik got nominated to head up Homeland Security, there was lots of grumbling, and lots of journalists actually doing their jobs, about things like the fact that he was in charge of training Iraqi police shortly after the national debate had focused onthe fact that the training of Iraqi police had been—well, let's parse the numbers from the Pentagon's own weekly report: the number of required Iraqi police for the transition was 89,369. After Kerik had completed his service (some months early), 65,084 were untrained, and 1,424 were in the process of getting there.

Good times.

But it wasn't that that did in Bernie Kerik, nor the mob ties, nor the influence peddling, nor the incompetence, nor the cover-story nanny problem. It was his snogging two women (neither his wife) in a love nest that had been donated ostensibly to resting rescue workers . . . at Ground Zero. Really, that was a bit too far.

So had John Bolton just been an odious, evil person who raped nuns and shot archbishops, things would have been fine. But throw a bad personality (or some poontang) in the mix? The intrepid media smell you coming, and they're finding ickier stories every day. Baby, you're as cooked as your yellowcake intelligence.

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Papa Schwarzy

A sex scandal could never sink our good Governor Schwarzenegger, though not for his lack of trying. And I'd still sleep with him before I slept with KevinFederline,though I have to say: not happily.

But despite what the LATimesis crowing, PapaSchwarzyisn't dead and gone. Sure, the nurses and teachers and firefighters handed him his ass with an immensely well-orchestrated and intensive coalition effort against his assaults on public pensions and education, and his popularity, it wanes, but he was never the unassailable Leviathanthe media (and the Demsin the legislature, for a while) thought he was. Have you all forgotten the ass he was handed by puppyowners?Or when the retarded children jumped and shrieked on his ass in glee?

Look at George W. Bush: he's not popular either, and it's not like 9/11—the greatest defense failure in American history, I very much enjoy reminding you—happened on Schwarzenegger's watch. The gov's numbers are slipping, but who's gonna beat him? Phil Angelides?

Handing him his ass is nice (fo sho!), but it don't mean the WickedWitchis dead. It just means next time he'll take on the teachers or the nurses or the firefighters, but maybe not allofthematonce.Because while the assorted right-wing wackos who control the Republican Party in this state see firefighters and think "union" (just ask former Republican Assemblyman Ken Maddox, whose contributions from cops and firefighters led him to get his ass creamed an ugly 70-30 in the Republican state senate primary last year), most people look at firefighters and see really cute guys, albeit with porny mustaches.

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