POPE-TACULAR!!!

RATZINTACULAR!!!

Tuesdau, April 19
This must make all the other religions so jealous. I just turned on the TV, and every major channel has its cameras trained on the scene in St.Peter'sSquareas news comes that a new popehas been selected. I mean, when other religious leaders are elected, where do they do it? A Red Roof Inn? Hey, we're the Oscars of organized religion! It almost makes all the sexabuseand Nazicollaborationworthwhile. Anyway . . . oh, hey, they're parting the curtains and the deacon dude is about to come out to read the name of the new pope and I'm actually catching in my throat. You know what? I'm really excited. This is a new day. A day to build on what JohnPaulIIstarted. You know what, when they announce who it is, I'm going to get down on this rug, on my knees, and pray. Because that's going to be my new thing, I'm going to pray now. Not one of those Rev. Ike, gimme a Buickprayers, but more a contemplative, vaguely Buddhistthing to help usher in this new era of greater understanding and love between all God's religions and peoples. Oh, come on, come on, be the African, be the African, be the Africanand I will kneel right on this rug—the part the goddamn dog hasn't chewed up—and I will . . . oh, the deacon's saying his thing and the new pope is . . . awwwwChrist!

SLOWERY@OCWEEKLY.COM

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