By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
Photo by Paul ParksWith the Schiavofrenzy fed, I'd like to officially welcome you to Pope Week, wherein all the nation's finest minds have been repeating the same Churchy tidbits ad infinitum (that's Latin, like the Mass used to be! God bless the bestpope, John XXIII!) to Chrisand Joeand Timand Bill, but not to any ladies because ladies have no business in the business of the Church.
For instance (regarding the Churchy tidbits, not the lack of ladies), did you know it had been 455 years since there'd been a non-Italian prelate? I'll bet you did! And did you know JohnPaulIIwas forSolidaritybut againstliberation theology? Well, probably only if you read a newspaper. Bonus points if you can actually define them!
Really only Catholics—even of the lapsedest kind—get to speak this week. That is, unless you're RushLimbaughnoting this week's polls showing a huge majority of American Catholics think priests should be allowed to marry and women should be priests; then non-Catholic-old-you get to tell actual Catholics they can love the Church or leave it! Oh, that Rush! But we'll leave him aside for a moment so I can give you my bona fides as a card-carrying practicing Papist (and Jew): wanted to be a nun; saw the popeat the Coliseum(the LA Coliseum, not the fancy Rome one); don't believe in war, abortion or the death penalty; and never, but never, go to Mass.
I am the perfect American Catholic.
Love it or leave it!
You'd be shocked by how many of us at this godless, porny paper are—really, most of us, I think, though maybe not including the gay ones, I forget. And if one of us could find our local parish without a map (excepting that showoffy Gustavo, as always), I would give that one of us a fresh, crisp one-dollar bill.
Since I imagine even FOXNewshas mentioned once or twice in the past 116 hours of violin-soaked coverage that the pope had some lefty tendencies (whenever the issue didn't turn to freaky S-E-X—I mean as far as the pope was concerned, not BillO'Reilly, for whom freaky sex is a business write-off), a lot of people have been wondering: Where the fuck is the religious left? Like the nun who got killed in Brazil last month, standing up to the land barons by her little nun self in protection of the poor? Well, she for one is dead, so that's one less. Sure, maybe there aren't 40 million of us, like there are of those wacky born-twice types, but there's somelive ones left, right? Some Catholic Workerfolks, some Unitarians? My answer to those people is that the Unitarians are busy showing Outfoxedand having potlucks, and the Catholic Worker types are busy feeding people. So I guess both of them are busy feeding people, but when you go hang with the Unitarians, you have to bring a dish that feeds eight. Lentils, preferably. Hold the meat, egg and dairy.
Instead of minding our own business while we do the Lord's work (the Lord's work sometimes manifesting itself as good-lookin' and gluttonous sloth), we should be wild-eyed proselytizing about Jesus' words about the poor and the meek and the downtrodden and the imprisoned. You know: like the pope and JohnnyCashused to do. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth. Then there will be cars on blocks in every yard on your street while your CC&R'swill be powerless against the swarthy tide. Oh! The swarthy humanity!
* * *
Some other news happened this week, too, but if Joe Scarborough's not around, does it make a sound? Perhaps you paid special attention and heard they bombed Abu Ghraib. No? Hmmm. Well, they did. And Neil Younghad a brain aneurysm. And PrinceCharleswas supposed to get married to that Camillalady. I like her, specifically because she's so horsey and old. Hey, remember when PrincessDidied and was followed so quickly by Mother Teresa? You might have forgotten about the Living Saint, as there wasn't quiteso much coverage. Oh, my sainted stars.
And there was news right here at home as well: for instance, I hosted the Orange County Music Awardsand did my usual horrible job. Hosting with me was KIIS-FM's just adorable Dave Styles, whom I'd met the night before and by whom I'd been instantly smitten, even though he's a DJ for KIIS-FM. By the end of the show, though (actually, toward the middle, when he recommended I not take a beer to the podium as it wouldn't be "professional"—at a rock & roll awards show, and we were talking about me), I'd broken up with him. It was one of my less fulfilling relationships, especially since I don't think he knew we were having it.
I really regret having licked his ear.
The awards show was much less of a clusterfuck than usual, despite having me for a horrible host and despite the fact I was called out by a nice Christian lady for having said clusterfuck.
"But I'm sureit won't happen again," she said, smiling, as I stooped down from the stage to hear her soft words. Lady, I wouldn't be too sure of any such thing. And I may have said a curse word, but I'm not totallyoff my hinges: at least I didn't call for a fatwa on activist judges—unlike on the floor of the United States Senate. (Thank you, good Christian Republican Texas Senator John Cornyn, for saying Monday, "I wonder whether there may be some connection between the perception in some quarters on some occasions where judges are making political decisions yet are unaccountable to the public, that it builds up and builds up and builds up to the point where some people engage in—engage in violence." Don't like the Constitution, Senator? What's that phrase the goons across the street used to shout at me when I was 17? America. . . love it or . . . God, what wasthat again? Oh, well. At least when all the militias start sharp-shooting at the constitutionally mandated ThirdBranchof government, the independent judiciary—well, at least it will have taken the heat off the teachers! For now . . .)
Lots of people won, most especially Cordayand Mike Ubaldini. I'm pretty sure they're heathen, sex-crazed Communists.
Communists. Love them and leave them.