Next Stop: Immobility

An A to Z Guide to Surviving the Death/Pause/Sunshine of the CenterLine

SisforSig-AlertShortcutsSig-Alerts are named after the man who blah-blah-blah. I am so fucking tired of banging out that stupid old story. So, rather than bringing you something you could give a shit about, here are some surface-street shortcuts.

INSTEAD OF THE 5: Head south; exit Katella/Orangewood and bear left to Orangewood. Follow past the 5/22 interchange to the Main/Broadway exit. Also use The City/Chapman/State College/La Veta cluster to avoid the 5/22/57 interchange, and use the Main exit off the 22 East to avoid the scary 5/22 right-merge interchange.

INSTEAD OF THE 22: From Santa Ana, take 17th Street west until it becomes Westminster. Continue west until Westminster becomes Second Street in Long Beach. Enjoy scenic views of napalm bunkers at the Seal Beach Naval Weapons Station. Or vice versa.

INSTEAD OF THE 55: Newport Boulevard along the 55, then right on Bristol and left on Redhill, which will loop you up to Santa Ana, right over those ugly, cloggy freeways. Jamboree works the same way. Cutting out Newport is even better—Baker to Mesa Verde to Placentia to Superior to PCH and beach fun.

INSTEAD OF THE 405: Warner to Beach to Slater, which turns into Segerstrom, and then Dyer and takes you all the way to the 55 and beyond. Or Adams over the bridge to Harbor, or even sneakier, Placentia, to dump you to PCH or just the cosmo part of Costa Mesa. Warner also hits PCH, to take you to/from Long Beach. Or Main to Sunflower past Euclid to the 405 to avoid (or become part of) the Euclid bottleneck. (Chris Ziegler)

Tis for Traffic (Both Kinds)Traffic is a 2000 movie starring Benicio Del Toro, Michael Douglas, Orrin Hatch, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Don Cheadle that had nothing to do with freeway congestion—except for the kind you see on the south end of the U.S. Immigration checkpoint at San Ysidro. Traffic is also the classic rock band that paved the way for Steve Winwood's amazing career—until his famously terrible ballad "Higher Love." (GA)

UisforUniform,OrangeYou were late on child support, got busted with a small stash of weed and tried to evade the cops while drunk one night. You're given freeway-shoulder cleanup duty in lieu of jail. But you're still hating life. You think it's going to be hard, exhausting work, and you see visions of stabbings, rapes and shootings. Don't freak: it's not nearly as bad as you think. Sure, you have to get up ungodly early and take orders from people who couldn't spell meth if you spotted them the consonants, but observant types quickly figure out the system. You'll know which duties not to step up for (the whistle on the side of the freeway sucks). You'll realize just how little you actually have to do all day. You'll even see that although types you probably wouldn't invite over for your next Williams-Sonoma dinner party surround you, everyone's in the same boat, regardless of ethnicity or income bracket. And you have a common bond: fuck authority. It's like being in high school again. Except instead of avoiding continuation school, you're avoiding jail. And if that ain't incentive enough to get out of bed before the crack of dawn and pull some weeds, what is? (JB)

VisforVendettaYou can argue that the CenterLine's fate was actually decided not in 2005, but in 1878. That's when Collis P. Huntington, robber-baron extraordinaire and owner of the Southern Pacific Railroad, sued James Irvine Sr. in federal court for the right to build a railroad through the 108,000-acre Irvine Ranch. Irvine refused Huntington's generous, repeated offers for the right of way through the Ranch as a personal vendetta: seems that a young Huntington cheated a young Irvine in poker during a boat trip around the Horn while both were heading to California's Gold Rush. Shockingly, the courts decided in Irvine's favor; as one historian put it, "It was one of the few times when the political power of a railroad company did not win the day in the 1800s." Later on, Irvine's heirs allowed the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe to lay tracks through their ranch, effectively killing the Southern Pacific's plan for total domination of Southern California. Nearly 125 years later, voters in the city that bears Irvine's surname did the same to CenterLine dreams by rejecting a ballot measure that would've allowed CenterLine to extend from UCI to John Wayne Airport. (GA)

WisforWastingTimeontheBusLet's go to a concert! But the band you want to see is playing in Hollywood. One problem: no car. Oh, well, the public transportation of OCTA will help right? Here is my typical itinerary to get from Irvine to the Roxy using all transportation means possible. The goal is to get to the show by 8 p.m.

4:52 p.m. Depart from UCI at the University Center on Bus No. 470/Tustin Metrolink. Current mood: a little pissed that I have to leave so early when Hollywood is an hour's drive away.

5:28 p.m. Get off at Tustin Station-Metrolink. Current mood: still pleasant—hmmmm, the people who ride the buses are interesting.

5:35 p.m. Go to 2975 Edinger Ave. to board the Metrolink Orange Line/LA Union Station. Current mood: back to being pissed because it will still take more than an hour to get to LA.

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