Two Minutes in the Closet with David Cross

Courtesy SubPopI love David Cross. I am not alone in this. Formerly of Mr. Show, which was once the best show on TV, the standup comedian who put out the album Shut Up You Fucking Baby, and the actor who plays completely gay thespian Tobias Funke on the current best show on TV, Arrested Development, David Cross got interviewed—by me!—for a good solid two minutes this week about his comedy show/benefit this week for tsunami victims at the intimate Detroit Bar. I talked to Patton Oswalt, too, for, like, five minutes, but he wasn't funny, and I was hungry and needed to get a slab of salmon in the oven. "You hungry?" I asked him. "'Cause I'm hungry." Usually, Patton's funny. This time, he just wanted to know where he could get some good Vietnamese food in Orange County and called people who don't come to the show "rapists." Way to go, Patton. Dick.

OCWeekly:Got any good tsunami material?

DavidCross:Just that they deserved it. I don't know how God works, but God called 'em home for a reason. God wanted kids to be orphans and parents to be childless! Also, I think the tsunami happened in part so we could get this benefit together. It was God's way of giving us some stage time.

Got any material on Condi Rice?

You know, I don't really! I'll whip some up.

Are you good friends with my friend Patton (and by friend, I mean he thinks I'm hot)?

Yeah, I am!

Did he mention how hot I was?

No, not in his e-mail. I mean, it's not the first thing you bring up, when it's just a mention in passing.

I always mention whether people are hot, first thing. Like I have this question written down: "Is Jason Bateman hot, or is he boring?"

He's more boring now that he's sobered up, comparatively. But he's superfine, mighty fine, fucking fine. He's always got the Binaca going, so that's nice, and he doesn't wear underwear, so he's always freeballing on the set.

Sweet. Are you still with that hot bartender girl?

Yeah. Did you meet her?

No, you told me about her once.

Yeah, I am. That's not even me 'cause I really don't see very well, but that's what everyone tells me. We'll have been together three months in a month. Wait, three years in a month. "We'll have been together three months next year!" And you know, that just testifies to the power of a long-distance relationship.

So you pretty much don't want to go on a date with me and make my friend Alison cry.

Oh, I could do that! My girlfriend and I have an understanding: as long as I can do that, she can't do that. But it couldn't be, like, a super-romantic date, where I whisk you away in a hot-air balloon with Dom Perignon to Taos, where we participate in a Native American ritual. It has to be, like, your friend is having a party, and this cool band is supposed to play. I'm about to get called to the set, so I may have to go, but I could call you back.

No, that's okay. I don't have anything else. Well, yeah, call me back. Wait, no, that's stupid; I'm not gonna ask you that. Okay, you don't have to call me back.

Um, my love to the staff.

Okay, bye!

David Cross and Patton Oswalt perform at Detroit Bar, 843 W. 19th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 642-0600. Sun., 9 p.m. $30. 21+.