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Illustration by Mark DancyDear Mexican,

I have very, very light skin because of my Scandinavian heritage. Around Halloween, someone asked me if it was white-face makeup. Why is it that Mexican men find my pallor so fascinating?
—Fair Maiden

Dear Gabacha,

BECAUSE YOU'RE WHITE. Mexicans love gabachos even though you've fucked our country for 500 years—literally (recall the maiden-raping conquistadors) and figuratively (ever tried walking a Mexican sidewalk during spring break without stepping in the puddles of yak left by SC frat boys?). Despite the boinking and barfing, Mexicans associate white with beauty and power—it's our national Stockholm Syndrome. Check out our business elite—as white as those inbreds in the House of Windsor. Or the screeching fake-blond actresses in telenovelas, most of whom make Nicole Kidman look as dark as an aborigine. Whitey worship is evident even in our veneration of saints: when the Vatican canonized Juan Diego in 2002, Mexican Catholic officials unveiled the official portrait of the man who first saw the Virgin of Guadalupe. Only one problem: the full-blooded Indian was now a light-skinned, full-bearded broder. So when Mexican men gawk at you, Fair Maiden, walk with pride: you are a goddess. That or you have a great ass.



Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: give your name or a pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!