By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Thanks, no doubt, in part to her apparent distaste for donning shoes inside public restrooms, the once-rapt attention paid to the size of Britney Spears' bazoongas seems to have all but vanished from the minds of both Us readers and Colin Farrell alike. Though in fairness, Spears isn't the only one whose are-they-or-aren't-they-fake breasts are now considered about as fascinating as a Kabbalah exposť. Even Lindsay Lohan's hot-air balloons are old news, the spotlight having understandably shifted to her bat-shit father and well-documented—thank you, T-Mobile!—refusal to enter any building that doesn't have a hard-liquor license.
Still, hope remains for celebrities and their knockers—just ask Gwyneth Paltrow, Heidi Klum, Mandy Moore or any other gal who's been fortunate enough to have had a little slip of the nip on the red carpet recently. Nipple slips aren't, of course, anything new—especially on the Internet, where sites such as www.nippleslips.com have been around for yea—erm, at least a coupla months. But with the help of Michael Powell and the FCC—who inadvertently skyrocketed Janet Jackson's sagging profile by making such a stink last year over her prime-time nipple slip—they've become the to-do snafu for any celebrity who might be feeling a little neglected.
Consider Tara Reid: once rumored to be snorting everything—including, some even speculated, her "career"—right up her adorable little button of a nose, she, well . . . scratch that. Girlfriend's probably still a fan of the boog sug, but damned if she wasn't one of the most Googled names of 2004 after her felicitous—and utterly zonked-out-of-her-gourd oblivious—full-breast nipple slip (featuring disgusting, still-fresh scars from her recent boob job!) was photographed for nearly half a minute outside one of P. Diddy's shindigs.
And these chicks aren't the only ones capitalizing on slips, either. In response to the overwhelming demand for snaps of celebrity nippage, porn and gossip such blogs as Fleshbot (www.fleshbot.com) and the Superficial (www.thesuperficial.com) have taken to linking just about any picture—doctored or not, and a great deal, it is often revealed, are fake—featuring even the slightest shade of an areola, averaging, it seems, roughly 2.8 slips per month.
Then there are sites like Big-Boys (www.big-boys.com), where visitors are allowed to comment on posted pictures and videos—mostly of young female starlets and their ta-tas, nipples, asses and naughty bits—and here's where it all gets kind of creepy. Big-Boys is a worldwide circle jerk of epic profundity, where users like jimbo33 can, say, take a peek at Lohan's cleavage and remark, "Very niiice!! I just love to see her boobs bounce!!"
Other folks, like Sarduakar, get even more worked-up: "Mmmmmmmmmmm, Greasy T.I.T.S. O yeah, you would!"
And of course, there's always guys like chocolatelove: "Is it weird that she reminds me of my mom, but in a good way, cuz i tell ya when i see those fun bags i get an awful hankering for some milk."
Still, not everyone clicks away pleased, like evilgeniusx, who "wouldnt piss on this talentless whore if she was on fire unless she my **** afterwards . . . her tits are fake, she cant act, cant sing, and she is actually 25 years old."
Kind of creepy or totally awesome? In the end, while it's obvious nipples are good for business and even better for the celebrities, clearly nip slips directly benefit those who perhaps need them most: lonely, bored, desperate, horny, geeky computer programmers and the journalists who love them.