By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Von Teese and Heraldez by
Tenaya Hills. Jason Bateman
courtesy Gavin Bond/FoxYou know, I've been awfully busy lately. Not with work particularly, or mothering my small buttercup of a son, or bettering myself through extensive reading of my Bible and prayer to that nice Christ fellow. No, I have priorities, people! And those priorities are a) to be more sexy, b) to be sexier, and c) to embody a higher grade of sexness. That's what dudes want these days (well, that and two other girlfriends), they tell me once they see me naked. They seem to think, poisoned as they are by The O.C.and pictures of Kelly Gray, that all us womens could be like that if we just made the effort.
So I've been busy making myself sexier by toning and buffing myself to a high gloss, in between massages and pedicures and those thinning cocaine benders.
Shiny! Glossy! And full of cocaine!
Oh, yeah. You know you want it.
And so it is that between my Botoxologist and my dealer and the woman who covers my gray, I've been completely booked up, and now it seems I've got this OC's Sexiest Peoplethang due one more time. Again! It's been going on for years now! And I'm plumb running out of people I could conceivably want to sex! Therefore, I've pretty much handed it over to the interns. They're really good interns. (And I mean good! Wink, wink!) (Just now? I was kidding.) (But seriously, they are a sexy lot, and some of them are quite depraved.) (With hotness.)
(Please don't sue me.)
Have we intro-ed enough? Are you ready for the Sexiest People? Are you positively raring to go? Me, neither. So let's talk some about the people who've been lobbying to be included! They are legion! And they say things like, "So did I get included in the Sexiest People this year? I ask not because I in any way care about silly things of that nature, but just as a lark. Ho, ho! Oh, and did you drop this hundred-dollar bill?" And I say, "No, Rivieraeditor Kedric Francis! You had six years to include me in the OC Metro's 30 Under 30 from the time we met till I finally got too old! And I can't even get in Riviera's stoopid party pages! Wait, is there coke on that money? No? Then fuck off!"