Diary of A Mad County

Sunday, Jan. 16 On this, the Lord's Day, a county wonders "What do we tell the children?" How do we talk to our children about Gwen Stefani's dress being stolen without terrifying them that their own leather minidresses valued at $5,000 will be taken from behind a 7 Ĺ-foot, Plexiglas wall? Child-Fashioncrime experts say we should listen to our kids' fears and answer them with meandering speeches about "following your dreams" and "I bet the Mormons are somehow to blame." Whatever is said, experts are clear on one point: Children cannot lose faith in Plexiglas. It is the glue that keeps our fractured society bound—it and award shows.

Monday, Jan. 16 Iraqi expatriates arrive today at the old El Toro Marine base to register to vote in their homeland's upcoming elections. Geez, could we make things any tougher on these people? Who knows what they had to endure in their country and getting out of there and now, when they can have a say in the way their country is run, we tell them they're going to have to brave the El Toro Y and then deal with Orange County election workers, or, as they are known in the vote-counting biz, "The Can'tculators." And, by the way, isn't it Martin Luther King, Jr. Day? Aren't you supposed to be honoring his memory by not working?

Tuesday, Jan. 17 Stefani dress, Day Seven—or Eight, whatever. Fullerton policeare said to be looking for two women—or four midgets. The women aren't suspects, the Fullerton police just get really lonely sometimes.

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