How Green Was My Valley?

Tsunamis, bloody abortions, and the Painter Of Light, Thomas Kinkade!

I never asked him, so I don't know.

I'm a pro-life Democrat, so it's doubtful they'd let me chair the DNC. And Commie Momand I and all other progressive, pro-life Dems have always been sneered at by our pro-choice friends. They're really appalled with us, that we would sentence their daughters to die in back alleys. And so we've downplayed it; we don't say it that often; and even in my heart, abortion has faded until it just isn't that big a deal. My priorities are with the poor who are already born, and if they play their cards right or Jimmy Carter comes calling, I might even give them another hundred bones.

The Right are ridiculous: no abortions, but no sex ed. No birth control. No prenatal care. No welfare to help out those poor women who carried their babies to term. And when someone's mama's neglected him while she got kicked off welfare and worked two jobs, and a six-year-old takes his uncle's gun to school and kills a girl, well, call for the death penalty for the little monster.

The Left's better, but not by much: Was that really NOW lobbying against Connor's Law (for Lacy Peterson's unborn son), which would make it a crime to kill a fetus in an attack on the mother? Now you're just being an asshole.

So what's my answer? I gave it a lot of thought after I watched Dirty Dancing—it's a thought-provoking movie, that one, especially when Patrick Swayze kisses Jennifer Grey's neck just so—and you're not going to like my solution. Nobody is. Everybody will be unhappy, which is how I know it's the right answer for all.

The Answer: outlaw abortion—if you're over 20 years of age. If you're 22 and can't figure out how to use The Pill, you can damn well live with it and carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption in a humane manner. It's not the '50s; unless you're a Virginia schoolteacher, you still get to keep your job.

But for teenage girls, there should be abortion on demand—no waiting period, no parental notification, not even a co-pay. Teenage girls are the ones who will actually kill themselves if they think their parents might find out—and their parents just might beat them to death if they do. Teenage girls are the only segment of society (aside from the mythical rape-and-incest pregnancies; how often does that happen?) who could be actually endangered by unwanted pregnancies, and they should get a do-over. Sin? In my Church, yes. But better than Daddy sending you to the Maker with the Word of the Lord.

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