Diary of A Mad Year

2004 regurgitated

TAYLOR: So, what's bringing you to New York?

TARA: I'm a snowboarder who's going to do some jumps on Letterman.

Wow, that sounds dangerous.

Not at all. We have it down to a science. There's no way I could, say, veer off a ramp, fly 25 feet and land on the hard ice next to the Ed Sullivan Theater. But enough about me. Why are you going to the Big Apple?

Funny you should ask. I'm going onStern so they can play Anal Ring Toss with me. I understand we're up for a Peabody.

That's . . . um . . . interesting. You know, I'm no expert, but I bet you'd find this flight much more comfortable if you took that stick out of your ass.

18UC Irvine atmospheric-chemistry and climate-science professor F. Sherwood Rowland is among a bipartisan slate of Nobel Prize winners and former federal science officials who blast the Bush administration for politicizing science and call for an independent congressional investigation into federal science-advisory policies. "When scientific knowledge has been found to be in conflict with its political goals, the administration has often manipulated the process through which science enters into its decisions," charges a document signed by the nation's 60 leading scientists. . . . 27 As mega-broadcaster after mega-broadcaster vows before a congressional committee they will clean up their own acts in the wake of Janet Jackson's exposed boobage during the Super Bore, Congressman Christopher Cox (R-Newport Beach) tells colleagues nippalia is a grave threat to our fair republic. His evidence: Cox says his five-year-old son did not see the Super Bowl halftime show, but when the congressman called for a "halftime" while wrestling around with the kid, his son pulled off his T-shirt to expose a male teat and asked, "Halftime show?"

MARCH

2Bitterer, defeateder, ex-congressman Robert K. "B-1 Obsolete" Dornan loses his GOP primary bid to unseat Congressman Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) when 1 million percent of the 46th District voters reject him. Actually, it's more like 83 percent, but who's counting? Certainly not the Mexicans, eh, Bob? . . . 6Our condolences to our fellow scribes across the way in Santa Ana, as they are forced to end a news story by noting that a suspect "worked as an independent contractor delivering The Orange County Register before his arrest." Thi Dinh Bui, who in an earlier career served as an enforcer at a postwar Vietnamese reeducation camp, allegedly starved and severely beat several prisoners, killing at least two. With a résumé like that, it was surprising the Garden Grove resident hadn't been promoted to opinion-page editor. . . . 9You'd think today's arrest of Caltech graduate William Jensen Cottrell in connection with last summer's vandalism at San Gabriel Valley Hummer dealerships would provide the FBI a perfect opportunity to apologize to former Brea resident Josh Connole. Agents busted Connole shortly after the crime spree, claiming he was a dead ringer for a vandal captured on surveillance cameras. But anyone outside the agency who saw the tape said it obviously wasn't the 25-year-old Pomona resident, a committed peacenik who maintained he was singled out for his anti-war views. After Earth Liberation Front (ELF) representatives sent the Los Angeles Timesseveral e-mails taking responsibility for the vandalism and denying Connole's involvement, the feds reluctantly released him due to lack of evidence. They since claimed to have irrefutable proof that Cottrell was tied to the ELF—and Cottrell was eventually convicted. But the false arrest turned Connole's life upside-down, and his friends had to throw backyard-barbecue fund-raisers for him several times to help defray his legal costs. The agents no doubt snooping from a safe distance away never show up with that apology. . . . 17 People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) fire off a letter to Cypress College president Marjorie Lewis, urging her to stop plans to kill ducks and geese living on campus. Noting that taking out Daffy Duck won't solve the problem because a Donald Duck will move in to take his place, PETA offers to farm out a wildlife biologist to help the college develop a humane waterfowl-control program. It is left up to Lewis to decide whether PETA's proposal is—sorry, can't resist--all it's quacked up to be. . . . 26 Weekly Editor Will Swaim, stinking of grenadine, asks Steve Lowery if he'd like to go back to writing his brilliantly incisive, gut-bustingly hilarious Diary of a Mad County that Swaim killed months ago while in the midst of a girl-drink binge. . . . 28 Sheriff Mike Carona admits that concerns were raised about political contributions to his campaign from a Newport Beach businessman but that he was told the money was given legally raising the question: Why does the sheriff have to ask someone what's legal? Newport businessman Charles Gabbard admitted last week he illegally gave Carona $29,000 because he was hoping to get Carona's help in marketing a laser device that would stop fleeing cars. Carona says he didn't do anything to help Gabbard's CHG Safety Technologies, which has been stalled (thank you!) in its attempt to market the device by Detroit automakers who say the device is unnecessary given that they mastered the science of disabling a moving vehicle with the introduction of the Ford Explorer. . . . 29 In a report handed to the Board of Supervisors today, county Registrar Steve Rodermund admits that enough OC voters were given the wrong ballots to influence the outcome of at least one race. Furthermore, election workers, who were either poorly trained or publicly educated, gave voters incorrect access codes as well as confusing and many times incorrect directions. There were reports of verbal fights and voters being denied the right to vote. Still, no one is impugning the character of the poll workers, who, in many cases, were distracted from their duties by shiny objects.

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