Last Minute Gift Guide

This can be such a hectic time of year, I guess. I mean, it doesn't seem there's time enough in the day to take care of everything you're supposed to. No sooner have you driven the little one to play rehearsal than the matter of the bench warrant comes up and you have to drive over to the lawyer's—taking the back way the photographers and cameramen don't know about—and when you get there, they start talking about continuances and crimes against humanity and film rights, and you say yes, yes, but you need to get the other kid to the soccer tournament in San Bernardino, and no sooner are you in San Bernardino than you get the call that the guy is now saying it wasn't you he saw with the claw hammer and fishnets, and you say that's what you've been saying all along, and you wire the money while thinking why would anyone play soccer in San Bernardino? Why would anyone live in San Bernardino? Why is there San Bernardino? But who has time for thinking these hectic, hectic days? Rush, rush, rush, so many lists of so many things to do, drive here, pick up this kid, wipe down that claw hammer, so much you just can't keep it straight in your head, especially when the new meds are kicking in and you can't remember if you are you or if you are the you you've constructed in the summer stock of your desires, the one where you are set upon by the monsters with the melting heads and accusing eyes and you have nothing to protect yourself with but your wits and a well-stocked garden shed. Yes, yes, yes, it's a very hectic time of year and then . . . Gifts? Who buys gifts this time of year? Really? Fine. If you feel the need to for some reason buy last-minute gifts, here are some things you can do, I guess.