By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
250-201: CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE
Core value: The calloused faith to ignore any contradiction between a literal belief in Judeo-Christianity's theory of creation by a loving God—and a ruthless adherence to socio-economic Darwinism's myth of the
What the hell that means:God maketh the Man, but Man maketh the Money.
Heroes: George W. Bush, Paul Crouch, Ed Arnold.
Villains: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Huntington Beach City Councilwoman Debbie Cook.
Turn-ons: Rosemarie Avila and the stimulatingly repressive abstinence-only-sex-education, anti-domestic-partner-benefits rants she makes at the Santa Ana Unified School District meetings and Calvary Chapel services; Enoch Lonnie Ford.
Turn-offs: The Gay and Lesbian Community Service Center of OC.
Regrets: Sometimes they miss the orange trees.
Quote: "Jesus played hardball." (Traditional Values Coalition head Lou Sheldon)
200-151: ECONOMIC CONSERVATIVE
Core value: The religious foundation that has made this country a City on the Hill translate into the principles of economic freedom that have made us the world's most powerful force.
What the hell that means: Talks the moralistic talk, but mostly as a marketing tool for economic policies that walk all over people.
Heroes: Don Bren, Ann Coulter, Catholic Bishop Tod D. Brown, Lupe Moreno of the anti-immigrant California Coalition for Immigration Reform,
Villains: Laguna Beach's pro-business, truly environment-friendly independent Republican former City Councilman Wayne Baglin.
Turn-ons: The President's twin daughters.
Turn-offs: Green Party congressional candidate Tom Lash, Dwight Smith of Catholic Worker.
Regrets: Is certain he could have made a real woman out of Jo Ellen Allen. Hell, just a woman, period!
Quote:"The people of the United States don't care if the people of Germany and France are behind us. We are totally leading the world to a tremendous tomorrow! It means we're going to keep God in the pledge! People expect honest leadership, and . . . they know where they can go. George W. Bush is back to the White House! The people in Afghanistan are going to enjoy democracy! It's a peaceful world! Thank you for staying strong and giving hope to America! Orange County leads the way. We are leading the country!" (Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, Election Night 2004)
150-101: COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE
Core value: Well, you know, they're conservative, then again, compassionate.
What that means:Take a stand and then not stand up for it.
Heroes: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Villains: Ariana Huffington, Libertarian U.S. Senate candidate Judge Jim Gray.
Turn-ons: Ann Pulice, anchorwoman on KOCE's Real Orange, in a kinda sideways kinda way; First Lady Laura Bush, ditto; Hugh Hewitt.
Turn-offs:Brian Bennett, former Bob Dornan chief of staff, now an out-of-the-closet critic of any constitutional amendment against gay marriage.
Regrets: Didn't use Latino day workers to landscape front yard.
Quote:"There is no difference between what I said and didn't say." (Dave Garofalo, former Huntington Beach Mayor, current political-corruption felon)
51-100: NEW DEMOCRAT
Core value:Recognize that they benefited from the social welfare programs of the mid-20th century but believes either a) society has outgrown the need for such programs or b) anyone still left behind can be served through a charitable soup kitchen.
What the hell that means:The only thing that will rouse them to real activism is fighting to keep that charitable soup kitchen from locating in his neighborhood.
Heroes: Loretta Sanchez.
Villains: Ralph Nader, Food Not Bombs soup kitchen.
Regrets:Larry Agran wasn't elected president, you know, back when he was good.
Quote: "Listen, I'm as progressive as they come, but . . ."
26-50: EXTREME, GEN-WHATEVER, PUNK SMARTASS
Core value:Against "The Man."
What the hell that means: Buys their rebel cred at the mall.
Heroes:I'm my own hero, dude.
Villains: The Man.
Regrets: Didn't take a picture of that heinous scab they got while skateboarding last year at the Block.
Quote: "I could totally sue you!"
Photo by Davis Barber
1-25: ANSWERED FIRST FEW QUESTIONS UNTIL REALIZING THIS WASN'T THE PERSONALITY-PROFILE-FOR-SINGLES ADS
Core value: A living, breathing, heat-seeking missile.
What that means: Has never found Anna Nicole Smith or Ron Jeremy unattractive.
Heroes: Jennifer Stewart, famous deep-throater who used to work at Disneyland.
Villains: John Ashcroft.
Regrets:Probably will die before computer porn is completely interactive.
Quote: "Never mind."