By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
The tradition of taking personal inventory and expressing a general gratitude is a powerful force at this time of the season, and we in Orange County have more to be thankful for than most people—so much that, you know, we really are too busy to get around to it. Most of us normally make do with a bow of the head before Thanksgiving dinner. But these are not normal times, and in the aftermath of a national election that was likely decided by the socio-spiritual-political orientation of voters—that is, the gut-by-gut-level reaction of individual Americans to campaigns that played on their highest hopes and gravest fears—we have developed this 25-question quiz designed to help you rediscover who you are and where you at. Think of it as rethinking your Inner OC. Go ahead! Rethink!What does it mean to be Orange County in an era when Orange no longer brings to mind sweet-smelling citrus, but rather the acrid taste of foreboding apocalypse—the next-to-worst level of Homeland Security's color-coded terror-alert system? After answering each question honestly—remember, there are no correct answers, just stupid ones—note the points awarded in parentheses next to your answers. After answering all 25 questions, add up your score and find out who you are. I bet it's Jan-Michael Vincent.
1. When you want to revisit the OC of your youth, you . . .
a) take a ride on the Balboa Ferry. (6)
b) go to a Klan meeting. (10)
c) watch reruns of Wally George's Hot Seat. (1)
d) drop acid and go to Disneyland. (8)
2. The most inspiring place of worship in OC is . . .
b) the Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace (7)
c) Holy Jim Falls (4)
d) Captain Cream's Showgirls Cabaret (1)
3. The Orange Circle is . . .
a) a precious but bittersweet time capsule of OC the way it used to be. (10)
b) an artificial, arbitrary obstacle to progress via the natural laws of economics. (7)
c) as boring as Knott's Berry Farm was before they put in Supreme Scream. (4)
d) the initiation ritual for the local chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans. (1)
4. Your ideal romantic evening at home is . . .
a) watching reruns of vintage-TV sitcoms on KDOC while snacking on soft drinks and chips. (10)
b) watching KDOC reruns on mute and listening to No Doubt while enjoying a candlelit dinner. (4)
c) watching The O.C., cranking up Kottonmouth Kings and using that candle to torch a fatty. (1)
d) doing the "Orange Circle" with the cast of Laguna Beach. (7)
5. You consider the man-on-boy sex scandal involving Catholic priests in the OC diocese . . .
a) overblown. (10)
b) shocking. (7)
c) sadly predictable in an institution based on the dangerous combination of celibacy and secrecy. (4)
d) heh, heh—"overblown." (3)
6. What kind of car do you drive?
a) Not sure—ask the limo driver. (10)
b) Just traded in the Benz for a Hummer. (7)
c) Mom's been letting me borrow her 1978 Monza since my Toyota RAV4 hybrid was repossessed. (4)
d) Not sure—ask the bus driver. (1)
7. As a heterosexual man, your ideal of domestic bliss is . . .
a) a churchgoing housewife who's borne and raised three kids to mind their manners in a Cowan Heights home surrounded by a white-picket fence. (10)
c) a girlfriend with a fridge full of beer who lets you crash at her Anaheim condo while she waits tables at Hooters. (4)
d) Internet porn. (1)
8. The debate over gay marriage is . . .
a) debasing one of the pillars of civilization. (8)
b) calling us to examine anew the essence of love and commitment. (6)
c) apt to calm down now that the elections are over. (1)
d) still giving you a boner. (10)
9. Every time you work out, you . . .
a) have greater appreciation that the body is the temple of the soul. (6)
b) are one day closer to finally being able to kick somebody's ass. (8)
c) resolve anew to get off the 'roids. (1)
d) look a little more like that guy in the Spanky's ads. (10)
10. When you go to Mission San Juan Capistrano every March 19 to await the legendary Return of the Swallows, you bring . . .
a) a few votive candles and a little statue of St. Joseph. (10)
b) binoculars and a camera. (6)
c) a Hibachi and a 12-pack. (8)
d) a birdcall and a BB gun. (1)
11. As a heterosexual woman, your ideal of domestic bliss is . . .
a) a long marriage to a traditional head-of-household guy in a Fullerton tract, where he provides a good living for you and the kids andcan bring home the bacon—if we catch your drift. (10)
b) getting set up with a Newport condo, a Sports Club Irvine membership and an open bar tab at the Clubhouse while your middle-aged executive boyfriend is endlessly tied up with his divorce. (3)
c) a second marriage to a guy who really appreciates you—and the opportunities for travel afforded by your divorce settlement. (6)
d) a battery-powered buddy you like to call the Rally Monkey. (8)
a) deftly walking the tightrope between strong criticism of the war in Iraq and unwavering support for huge spending on the military. (8)
c) helping her sister get elected to Congress. (10)
d) getting that old-man smell out of the seat cushion. (6)
13. Troy Percival is . . .
a) a character out of the Disney classic The Sword In the Stone. (10)
b) Congressman Dana Rohrabacher's longtime trusted man-servant. (1)
c) the best relief pitcher in Angels history, now with Detroit. (8)
d) the only player on the Angels who would have traded names with Chone Figgins. (6)
14. To the best of your knowledge, the Juaneño Band of Mission Indians . . .
a) were clueless heathens until Father Junipero Serra saved their souls and gave their lives purpose by teaching them to build Mission San Juan Capistrano, which became their home and sanctuary. (10)
b) thrived in coastal Southern California—roughly from Laguna Beach to San Onofre—from ancient times until Father Junipero Serra enslaved them to build Mission San Juan Capistrano, all but exterminating them and their culture. (4)
c) call themselves the Acjachemem nation. (7)
d) are headlining next year's Hootenanny. (1)
15. When somebody says "Jan Vandersloot," you say . . .
a) "Thank heavens for a true environmental hero—the man who stoked a citizens' movement that in 2002 forced the Orange County Sanitation District (OCSD) to finally commit to the terms of the 1972 Clean Water Act." (6)
b) "To hell with an arrogant meddler and the scare tactics that undermined OCSD's top-of-the-line staff of scientists and planners." (8)
c. "Hey! Randy Newman!" (1)
d. "Geshundheit!" (10)
16. The Sawdust Festival . . .
a) is a sweetly wholesome OC tradition. (10)
b) keeps the rabble away from the Pageant of the Masters. (8)
c) pretty much describes OC's rampant development over the past half-century. (6)
d) would be cooler if more people wore codpieces. (1)
17. The epitome of our mixed-up marijuana laws is . . .
a) Marvin Chavez, who has been spied upon, raided, arrested and imprisoned for smoking pot to relieve his ankylosing spondilitis, a rare degenerative bone disease that keeps him in constant pain and a back brace. (7)
b) Greg Haidl, who was free on $100,000 bail and awaiting trial on gang-rape charges when OC sheriff's deputies found him with marijuana and allegedly stoned while illegally skateboarding in a San Clemente office park. After a phone call to his millionaire dad—then-Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl—deputies falsely reported the incident as a "traffic stop" and gave Greg a ride home. (4)
c) Rex Hudler, the blabbermouthy Angels TV broadcaster who was arrested last year in Kansas City when airport screeners found marijuana in his luggage. The Angels briefly suspended Hudler until he quickly explained he'd been smoking the dope to get to sleep since his brain hemorrhage a couple of years before. He was soon back on the air, running his mouth as obtusely
as ever. (10)
d) . . . whuh? (1)
18. You're backpacking in some of the most remote wilderness in Orange County when you come across another backpacker who has collapsed, unconscious, on the trail. What do you do?
a) Play the Good Samaritan and share your water, use your cell phone to call for help and stay by his side until rescuers arrive. (10)
b) Play the Smart Samaritan and use his cell phone to call for help, and then call anybody else you feel like while you're waiting. (8)
c) Play Greg Haidl and make a video of you and the victim practicing to become porn stars. (1)
d) Stop playing Lewis & Clark already and just yell up to somebody in one of those canyon-view homes. (6)
19. The worst example of toxic chemicals degrading our OC environment is . . .
a) Huntington Beach's Ascon-Nesi toxic-waste dump, which is across the street from Edison High
b) Aliso Creek, which runs like a rectal thermometer through several South County cities until emptying like an enema into the ocean. (1)
c) Jan Crouch's face, which is on slow-motion meltdown almost 24 hours a day on TBN. (4)
d) Don Bren's pearl jam. (7)
20. Jan Crouch's face . . .
a) reveals a woman at ecstatic peace with her Lord. (1)
b) is the unfair butt of a sexist society's jokes. (4)
d) may yet land Paul Crouch some of that sweet EPA Superfund money. (10)
21. The Angels Curse . . .
a) was nothing more than a bunch of coincidences that superstitious sports fans subjectively compiled into a tired excuse for their team's incompetence in the front office and on the field. (8)
b) killed this guy's brother's friend. (1)
c) was broken with their dramatic win in the 2002 World Series. (10)
d) is a fluid refrain but generally goes something like this: "Goddamn
fuckin' Angels!" (6)
22. As ambitious as Representative Christopher Cox is, you wonder
why he . . .
a) wasn't selected as George W. Bush's running mate. (10)
b) wasn't elected Speaker of the House of Representatives. (9)
c) wasn't appointed a federal judge in the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. (8)
d) isn't at least sergeant-at-arms of the Log Cabin Republicans. (1)
a) he didn't cut me in. (8)
b) I really don't understand what he was trying to do. (1)
c) it's another sign that we are in the Last Days. (10)
d) we finally have to take Christina Shea's squeaky voice seriously. (6)
24. Unscramble these letters: teansiwohstihsttiwehhguh.
a) staetihsnwosihhhguhwettis. (1)
b) No. (8)
c) Hugh Hewitt's hit show is neat. (10)
d) Hugh Hewitt eats his own shit. (6)
25. When a homeless person asks you for spare change, you . . .
a) give whatever coins you have and apologize for not being able to
help more. (6)
b) begin reciting in a booming voice the 22 Articles of Faith by Registerfounder R.C. Hoiles. (10)
c) grab your crotch and say, "I got yer spare change right here!" (1)
d) decide it's time to move out of Orange County. (8)