By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
The tradition of taking personal inventory and expressing a general gratitude is a powerful force at this time of the season, and we in Orange County have more to be thankful for than most people—so much that, you know, we really are too busy to get around to it. Most of us normally make do with a bow of the head before Thanksgiving dinner. But these are not normal times, and in the aftermath of a national election that was likely decided by the socio-spiritual-political orientation of voters—that is, the gut-by-gut-level reaction of individual Americans to campaigns that played on their highest hopes and gravest fears—we have developed this 25-question quiz designed to help you rediscover who you are and where you at. Think of it as rethinking your Inner OC. Go ahead! Rethink!What does it mean to be Orange County in an era when Orange no longer brings to mind sweet-smelling citrus, but rather the acrid taste of foreboding apocalypse—the next-to-worst level of Homeland Security's color-coded terror-alert system? After answering each question honestly—remember, there are no correct answers, just stupid ones—note the points awarded in parentheses next to your answers. After answering all 25 questions, add up your score and find out who you are. I bet it's Jan-Michael Vincent.
1. When you want to revisit the OC of your youth, you . . .
a) take a ride on the Balboa Ferry. (6)
b) go to a Klan meeting. (10)
c) watch reruns of Wally George's Hot Seat. (1)
d) drop acid and go to Disneyland. (8)
2. The most inspiring place of worship in OC is . . .
b) the Richard Nixon Library & Birthplace (7)
c) Holy Jim Falls (4)
d) Captain Cream's Showgirls Cabaret (1)
3. The Orange Circle is . . .
a) a precious but bittersweet time capsule of OC the way it used to be. (10)
b) an artificial, arbitrary obstacle to progress via the natural laws of economics. (7)
c) as boring as Knott's Berry Farm was before they put in Supreme Scream. (4)
d) the initiation ritual for the local chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans. (1)
4. Your ideal romantic evening at home is . . .
a) watching reruns of vintage-TV sitcoms on KDOC while snacking on soft drinks and chips. (10)
b) watching KDOC reruns on mute and listening to No Doubt while enjoying a candlelit dinner. (4)
c) watching The O.C., cranking up Kottonmouth Kings and using that candle to torch a fatty. (1)
d) doing the "Orange Circle" with the cast of Laguna Beach. (7)
5. You consider the man-on-boy sex scandal involving Catholic priests in the OC diocese . . .
a) overblown. (10)
b) shocking. (7)
c) sadly predictable in an institution based on the dangerous combination of celibacy and secrecy. (4)
d) heh, heh—"overblown." (3)
6. What kind of car do you drive?
a) Not sure—ask the limo driver. (10)
b) Just traded in the Benz for a Hummer. (7)
c) Mom's been letting me borrow her 1978 Monza since my Toyota RAV4 hybrid was repossessed. (4)
d) Not sure—ask the bus driver. (1)
7. As a heterosexual man, your ideal of domestic bliss is . . .
a) a churchgoing housewife who's borne and raised three kids to mind their manners in a Cowan Heights home surrounded by a white-picket fence. (10)
c) a girlfriend with a fridge full of beer who lets you crash at her Anaheim condo while she waits tables at Hooters. (4)
d) Internet porn. (1)
8. The debate over gay marriage is . . .
a) debasing one of the pillars of civilization. (8)
b) calling us to examine anew the essence of love and commitment. (6)
c) apt to calm down now that the elections are over. (1)
d) still giving you a boner. (10)
9. Every time you work out, you . . .
a) have greater appreciation that the body is the temple of the soul. (6)
b) are one day closer to finally being able to kick somebody's ass. (8)
c) resolve anew to get off the 'roids. (1)
d) look a little more like that guy in the Spanky's ads. (10)
10. When you go to Mission San Juan Capistrano every March 19 to await the legendary Return of the Swallows, you bring . . .
a) a few votive candles and a little statue of St. Joseph. (10)
b) binoculars and a camera. (6)
c) a Hibachi and a 12-pack. (8)
d) a birdcall and a BB gun. (1)
11. As a heterosexual woman, your ideal of domestic bliss is . . .
a) a long marriage to a traditional head-of-household guy in a Fullerton tract, where he provides a good living for you and the kids andcan bring home the bacon—if we catch your drift. (10)
b) getting set up with a Newport condo, a Sports Club Irvine membership and an open bar tab at the Clubhouse while your middle-aged executive boyfriend is endlessly tied up with his divorce. (3)
c) a second marriage to a guy who really appreciates you—and the opportunities for travel afforded by your divorce settlement. (6)
d) a battery-powered buddy you like to call the Rally Monkey. (8)