I used to really enjoy going to the Orange County Press Clubaward dinners (I also get really excited about jury duty—for reals!), but then a couple of years ago, I got skunked—not even an honorable mention!—when some dude from the Yorba Linda Press News Weekly or somesuch publication took home all my pretty obelisk trophies, and I was overcome with horrified laughter and everybody thought I was a dick. You know what might be fun? The OC Press Club mixer. Or it might not. You should go, and let me know how it went. I'm still too ashamed to show my face. 7-10 p.m. Free; cash bar. Green Parrot Cafe, 2035 N. Main St., Santa Ana, (714) 550-6040.
So what do the Murder Junkiesdo now that their big, dead front man GG Allinhas gone to fling poo in the great blue yonder? It's a question that can only be answered by showing up at the potently awful Anarchy Library; our boy C-Ziegsays if any place could have great GG Allin karaoke, it's the crusty Library, which he describes as like the late, lamented Club Mesa, but without the charm. 8 p.m. $5. 21+. 13250 Woodruff Ave., Downey, (562) 803-9134; www.theanarchylibrary.com.
Feeling outnumbered by the faith-based folk? Strike a blow for the reality-based community and the future, and bring your fifth-through-eighth-grade girls and interested adults to the Sally Ride Science Festival. Bring your friends, hear a keynote by lady astronaut Sally Ride, enjoy the street fair, attend Discovery Workshops and enter a drawing for prizes. Adults are welcome, and separate adult-track workshops are available. This should be closer to free, but at least it's a lot less than the tax money we blue staters send to the red-state welfare queens to print all those text books that say evolution is "just" a theory. 10:30 a.m.-3:15 p.m. $18-$25.UC Irvine, adjacent to the Bren Events Center, Mesa & W. Peltason drs., Irvine, (800) 561-5161; www.sallyridefestivals.com.
Take something nice and stop by the Spirit of Giving Tree, an official gift-giving program for developmentally disabled adults, children in foster care and nursing-home residents, at the Village at Orange near Wal-Mart. The press release doesn't mention any gift programs targeting the children of Wal-Mart workers living in poverty; I'm sure they just forgot. During Village hours. Every Sat.-Sun. through Dec. 15. The Village at Orange, near Center Court by Wal-Mart, 1500 E. Village Way, Orange, (714) 998-1521; www.thevillageatorange.com.
Not only are Twelve Hour Mary and Mike Carilloawesome, but they're also playing this show on a Monday, which means that for at least one week out of seven, I won't be advising you to stay home and grout your tiles. Twelve Hour Mary plays beautiful piano-driven moody minor ballads; Carillo, last I saw him, played a fantastic funk, but I think I heard he's on the alt.-country tip these days. Either way. 10 p.m. 21+. Blue Café, 210 The Promenade N., Long Beach, (562) 983-7111; www.thebluecafe.com.
Mary J. is in the house tonight. Forgive me for not having the slightest clue who Jay-Z is, but Mary J. Blige? She will slap you silly, and you'll ask for more. 8 p.m. $50-$125. All ages. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2400; www.arrowheadpond.com.
Author Lon Milo Duquette, "an internationally recognized authority on Quabalah, Tarot and the Western Mystery Tradition," talks on Demystifying the Quabalah at the Inside Edge breakfast forum, designed for success-minded people. I took a Medieval Mysticismclass once at NYU that included Kabbalah and Sufism and a bunch of other crap (Augustinian mysticism, if I remember correctly, which I don't because I hated it). Although my professor was incredibly sexy and silver-haired and spoke seven languages and I loved him, the class pretty well blew. How are you supposed to be tested on mysticism? There was nothing to learn. Still, it didn't stop me from hanging around the Comparative Religion department, hoping to see my sweetheart, who never once tried to have an inappropriate student/teacher relationship with me. What's a girl got to do? Reservations recommended. 6:30 a.m. $25-$35. The University Club, UC Irvine, Los Trancos & E. Peltason Dr., Irvine, (949) 460-4242; www.insideedge.org.
Bring your loved ones to your firm and supple bosoms and give thanks: for your loved ones, for your firm and supple bosoms, and that you're not an inbred asshole.