Left on Sunset

Hanging with the Hollywood-liberal elite

The only thing to envy is the excellent hors d'oeuvres.

And after that, we left. We wanted to go to Largo, but they wouldn't let us in even after I lied and said I was from the LA Weekly.

It never works.

Here's a fabulous letter I received this week from Jolene Dugan of Lake Forest:

Congratulations Ms. Schoenkopf! You have just proved to be the epitome of a low-class, filthy-mouthed citizen of this country. Your "Dem Hopes" article stimulated my up-chuck reflexes. I am ashamed to be of the same gender as you because you have just given any female reporter a bad name. You also give any "American" a bad name. Thanks to your article, nobody in my company, including myself, will never pick up a copy of OC Weekly again. This has just showed me that your paper does not care about America or Orange County's concerns, but rather only printing scum that will get noticed. I suggest educating yourself, or perhaps opening your bible before you ever print another article. I pray to God that OC Weekly fired you. I'm sorry that you never got the soap treatment in your mouth when you were younger. I truly think that someone should give it to you now. Cheers to the worst article ever written! You are a Class-Act!

So about what is Jolene getting all in a twist? As far as I can tell, it's that I used fuck or a derivation thereof four times (by my count, but math is hard) and called James Carville a dick. Also, I said "puss-like" and "masturbate."

For that, I need to read my Bible—which I'm pretty sure doesn't prohibit anywhere in it any curse words besides taking the Lord's name in vain.

Are leftists sometimes overly judgmental? Sure! I mean, God forbid you should eat meat or drive an SUV or be engaged to a Republican operative. But not one of them, in history, has thought that being a good Christian and reading your Bible is a prerequisite for being allowed to speak in the United States of America.

You know what you are, Jolene?

You're un-American.

Suck on that.

I'm a Catholic (I know: it's a cult) and a Jew, just like your personal lord and savior. I am quite literally my brother's keeper. My family values include being ever faithful to my family even when they're a huge pain in the ass, which is always, and to the family of man beyond them. I've never been divorced (just like the heathens in Taxachusetts, which has the lowest divorce rate in the country). I've never needed an abortion because I took sex ed. And I cuss like a trucker, and my breasts look fantastic, though it's a tossup between them and my coltish legs. And like Jesus admonishes, I don't pray in public. That's for the Pharisees and the hypocrites.

Prithee, goodwife, go back to your Bible. I recommend particularly Luke 6:37. And please? Please?

Fuck off, but gently. Liberals don't like to see their fellow man in pain.

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