Diary of a Mad County

MONDAY, Oct. 25 My daughter gives an oral presentation of her hit piece about me and her arm. I feel less bad this evening when she tells me that other memoirs included children whose parents shoved them into mosh pits and brought them to bum fights. Kids.

TUESDAY, Oct. 26 This morning, the Los Angeles Timessays the race for president is a dead heat, with George W. Bush and

John Kerry at 48 percent, Ralph Nader at 1 percent, and Undecided at 3 percent. This moves me to make a plea to my good, well-intentioned brethren who support Nader: Why you wanna be a douche? I mean respect and all, but c'mon, why? Look, I'm not blaming anyone for anything that happened four years ago. Back then, maybe you could argue that Bush wouldn't have been any worse than Al Gore, but, c'mon. Four years of this crap? Come on. And please don't make this about being right. Of course you're right. No one's debating if you're right. You want me to say it: "You're right. You're right." The system is depraved and needs fixing. But come on. As to the undecided: let me suggest that if after four years you still can't decide whether to vote for a sitting president, you've already made your decision. slowery@ocweekly.com