Nickin Jessica

Illustration by Bob AulIt's not that I'm a misogynist, not at all. I embrace the very core of femininity. However, this anti-love note goes out to you, Little Miss Pretentious. I stood in the coffee shop and watched as you pulled up in your new white BMW that daddy bought you for graduation. Chatting on your cell phone and looking through a pair of oversized, white-framed sunglasses in a weak attempt to imitate your favorite MTV newlywed, you stepped out sporting the latest in retro-'80s fashion. In your arms, you cradled this pint-sized, barking rat-dog. Your dog is groomed and decorated with ribbons so it could look as ridiculous as you do. You paraded in, carrying your little crap machine in your arms, and proceeded to order your double-venti-upside-down-caramel-please-overcharge-me-I-don't-care-I-can-afford-it-drink. When the pimply faced kid behind the counter politely asked you to take your dog outside, you went on a five-minute tirade in front of three employees and seven customers about why you don't have to cooperate with him. Nobody stood up to you, but I'd like you to know that you are obnoxious, rude, arrogant and even more repulsive than your pet rat-dog. Who taught you how to be so selfish? Take away your car, fancy clothes and daddy's money, and you're just another stringy-haired white girl whose roots are screaming for attention! Please, take some of that money and invest it in yourself.

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