Eight Days

THURSDAY/ SEPT. 23

What time is it? Oktoberfest time, yet again and over and over! So make like the President and enter the beer-drinking contest (sorry, there's no contest for Camp David coke-sniffing, but there is one for yodeling) and then drive home! Make like Old Man Bush slobbering over Paula Zahn's legs and buy shots from girls with their boobs out! Go mano a mano to an oompah-pah band from Germany and also do the world-famous chicken (-hawk) dance. Hmmm, what else do Georgie and Germany have in common? I'm kidding! I would never call him Hitler-like. Oh, who'm I fooling? Of course I would. 6:30 p.m. Free, like the ride George W. Bush has gotten his entire life. Old World Restaurant, Old World German Village, 7561 Center Ave., Ste. 49, Huntington Beach, (714) 895-8020; www.oldworld.ws/.

FRIDAY

I've never seen The Blank Tapes, but our roots writer calls them "tremendous alt.-country/Americana." You know, the President used to live in Austin, the nation's alt.-country capital. While there, he executed 152 people. Laura lived in Austin, too; she went to SMU, where her friends say she sold dope. 8:30 p.m. Free. All ages. Gypsy Den Grand Central, 125 N. Broadway, Santa Ana, (714) 835-8840; www.gypsyden.com.

SATURDAY

Did you know Shel Silverstein wrote Johnny Cash's biggest hit, "A Boy Named Sue"? Well, I did! Did you also get a gander of the Republicans piously laying claim to the late, lamented Cash—who stood against the war in Vietnam and religious hypocrites, and for helping the poor and not beating up hippies—at their convention? It was disgusting. Olio Theatre Works performs An Evening of Shel Silverstein. Perfect for any age! 7:30 p.m. $5 suggested donation. Immanuel Community AME Church of Long Beach, 3215 E. Third St., Long Beach, (310) 266-3872; olioinfo@aol.com.

Also, The Orange County Register's Steven Greenhut discusses and signs Abuse of Power, a look at the misuse of eminent domain by local government. You know who threatened folks in Abilene with that when getting the city to build him a stadium? George W. Bush! His initial (borrowed) half-million-dollar investment earned him $15 million. He got sued and then claimed he'd never known about the threats, but the deposition of one of his partners proved he had. 2 p.m. Borders Books, 22401 Old Canal Rd., Yorba Linda, (714) 974-4743.

SUNDAY

Did you know anyone who's not Christian is going to Hell? It's true: just ask George W. Bush! Even his beastly mother was appalled with that one and got Billy Graham on the phone to set her son straight. Unfortunately, Graham sided with The Chosen One, as Bar liked to call him. So all you Buddhists who want to watch Prince to Buddha—The Journey to Enlightenment (presented by Shakti Dance Co. and telling the story of Siddhartha and His journey into the middle path of love, nonviolence and compassion as seen through the eyes of his beloved wife, Yashodara, with a cast of 20 renowned dancers)? I suggest you change your evil ways. 6:30 p.m. $25-$50. Irvine Barclay Theatre, 4242 Campus Dr., Irvine, (949) 854-4646; www.thebarclay.org.

MONDAY

Perhaps today, like Barbara Bush, you could sell your lightly used ball gowns (many of which you got for free) to the help.

TUESDAY

An REI employee hosts educational games and fun activities designed to teach kids how to be environmentally aware while outdoors in Promoting Environmental Awareness in Kids. This class is perfect for scout troops and clubs. You know who loves the environment? I'll give you a hint: Clean Air Act. Okay, I'll give you another: arsenic in the water. Still stumped? You're an idiot. You know who else is an idiot? Oh, never mind. Contact customer service to enroll. 7 p.m. REI, McFadden Place, 1411 Village Way, Santa Ana, (714) 543-4142; www.rei.com/stores/santaana.

WEDNESDAY

New York City Ballet's Balanchine 100—the Centennial Celebration includes George Balanchine's Jewels. You know who's really cultured and stuff? The Bush dynasty. Once, a guest of theirs at Kennebunkport couldn't sleep, so he searched all over the mansion for something to read. The only thing he could find was The Fart Book. And this is the home of Barbara "Literacy Foundation" Bush! Also, her son likes to pick his nose in public. Ballet's for queers anyway, so you probably shouldn't go. 8 p.m. $25-$95. Orange County Performing Arts Center, Segerstrom Hall, 600 Town Center Dr., Costa Mesa, (714) 556-2122; www.ocpac.org.

THURSDAY

Time to watch the Presidential Debate. Cherand I are gonna have a fund-raiser and send the money to the meanest, nastiest 527 we can find. At press time, we hadn't had our cocktail hour/planning meeting yet, so we don't know where it's gonna be or how much it's gonna cost ya. Drop me a line, and I'll give you the scoop. CommieGirl99@hotmail.com.

 
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