By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Photo by F. Scott Schafer/FOXWEDNESDAY Sept. 15 Congressional comic relief Dana Rohrabacher (R-Huntington Beach) proposes a constitutional amendment that would allow foreign-born people who've been U.S. citizens for at least 20 years to run for president because this is one of the pressing problems in a country with rising poverty and crime, not to mention increasing amounts of quag in which our armed forces are mired in Iraq. "It is time we amend the Constitution to remove an archaic provision that was originally designed to keep the nobility of foreign countries from meddling in American democracy," said Rohrabacher, referring to those poor, unfortunate foreign-born rich people who, to this day, are marginalized in our democracy to the point that all they can do is own the Fox Network and run the state of California. That's what all this is about, of course. Rohrabacher is plowing the field for moderate Democrat Arnold Schwarzenegger—who calls himself a Republican because of the understandable kinship he felt with Richard Nixon back in the days when he was taking drugs and participating in orgies. All this will backfire, of course, because if this amendment ever goes through, the United States will soon after elect its first foreign-born woman President: the honorable Jennifer Granholm, who was born in Canada, raised in California and at present is governor of a little place I like to call Michigan. That is, if we aren't in one of them antichrist situations of which the TV preachers are so fond. You know, the foreign prince takes power and everyone loves him at first, but pretty soon he brings nothing but misery, destruction and Trading Spouses. Who can say? I don't really pay attention to the Bible outside of its tales of the inspirational slaughter of children, partiers and nosy neighbors.
THURSDAY Sept. 16 The first full day of the NHL lockout and the country is understandably tense. Where will we go for professional hockey? How will we follow professional hockey? How will we fill our empty lives with professional hockey—what? Trading Spouses is on? Cool! Fortunately for fans of the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim—both of whom share an apartment in Fullerton—the blow is softened by the fact that Orange County has been bereft of professional hockey for years. After the Ducks made their dramatic run for the Stanley Cup in 2003, the team has let go at least a dozen veterans in an effort to make the team more attractive to a prospective buyer or anyone who enjoys watching children play.
FRIDAY Sept. 17 The city of Anaheim agrees to pay Jeffrey Santelli $500,000 after he was shot in the stomach by an Anaheim cop who caught Santelli flagrantly meeting his mother in a church parking lot. The cop in question is none other than Scott McManus: you remember Scott from other hilarious Anaheim payouts such as assaulting Fernando Ortiz ($90,000) and dragging Angelina Trinidad down the stairs and roughing her up after she had called 911 to report domestic violence. Delicious. Anaheim Police Chief John Welter did not discipline McManus in the Santelli case, holding to a long-held city policy of roughing up domestic-violence victims and shooting guys meeting their mothers in church parking lots. Still, he did express sympathy for McManus' victims, saying, "That's $500,000 I could use to buy police cars."
SATURDAY Sept. 18 Don't know if you've noticed, but we're living in another Stone Age, and not just because Dana Rohrabacher is allowed to roam free. The darling-sounding Asian tiger mosquito has been found at six different Orange County locations. The tiger carries yellow and dengue fevers and is described as being "very aggressive, very vicious," though in a church parking lot, I'd still take my chances against it over Scott McManus.
SUNDAY Sept. 19 Fox's terrific Arrested Development wins the Emmy for Best Comedy Series—which it isn't, that would be Cartoon Network's The Venture Brothers.Still, it is an extremely funny show that more people should be watching, if only to witness the most side-splitting and bizarre depiction of Orange County life this side of Irvine public access' uproarious Look Who's Talking Still: Larry Agran Live at the Irvine City Council!
MONDAY Sept. 20 U.S. Secretary of Education Rowdy Rod Paige announces that nine Orange County schools have been named "No Child Left Behind Blue Ribbon Schools." Paige lauds the schools for being able to break the cycle of poverty and underachievement, noting that "for years many of our underprivileged children were ignored and prejudged, moved to the back of the room and quietly pushed through the system, with their scores hidden in averages." Yes, somehow these nine schools located in the slums and mean streets of Laguna Hills, Mission Viejo, San Clemente, Lake Forest, Laguna Niguel, Yorba Linda and Irvine managed to break the cycle. Seriously, about the only time kids from these areas are left behind is when mater and pater go on holiday to the Seychelles.
TUESDAY Sept. 21 Anthony "Skeeter" Pignataro is back in town, and we're kinda happy to see 'im, you know, when he isn't bugging the crap out of us. Anthony, as you may or may not know, is a former staffer who's gone on to become editor of MauiTime, an alternative newspaper in Maui. Hawaii. That's Maui in Hawaii. He showed up in the office wearing sandals, a deep tan and that smug attitude you get from guys who say things like "Listen, take it from me, a Ferrari is a lot more trouble than it's worth." He's complaining about the heat in Maui and the traffic in Maui and the cost of food in Maui, and I just want to bust his big fat, haughty, deeply tanned face, you know, more than usual. See, it doesn't matter what problems you have on Maui because there are no problems on Maui. That is because you are on Maui. Gimme a problem, any problem and I'll prove this. Say you have a brain aneurism. Okay, you have a brain aneurism on Maui. Problem firstname.lastname@example.org