By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Please join our campaign to reveal the true John Kerry!
John Kerry is a pussy. What else do you call a guy who serves in 'Nam, takes a few pieces of metal in the shoulder and expects not to be branded a traitor? And what else can you call a guy who isn't sure when and where he got wounded because he was too busy pulling guys out of rivers while others were too busy shooting and yelling and trying really hard not to get all killed to take the time to check their GPS?
No, there're just too many questions with Ho Chi Kerry's service record. And we hate questions. Give us a clean, undisputable war record, thank you very much, you know, like George Bush's. Clean as a whistle. Dick Cheney? No one's disputing if he got shot in Cambodia—mostly because he wasn't there, or in Vietnam, or in the military. Ever. Same goes for Karl Rove and John Ashcroft and Paul Wolfowitz and Bill Frist and Dennis Hastert.
Those are war records you can trust!
Kerry? He's under fire from nonpartisan groups such as the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth—nonpartisan to the tune of $4 million, which is what their biggest donor, Bob Perry, has given to Republicans—and Mr. Democrat himself, Bob Dole, who not only got a Purple Heart but, if those Viagra ads are to be believed, regularly nails senatorial tail—which is more than Bill Clinton can say.
Anyway, we've had enough of this and would like to offer our Republican friends a way to set the record straight. We're inviting any and all of them to come down to the OC Weekly office (1666 N. Main St., Suite 500, Santa Ana) and have a piece of metal—"shrapnel" to you military and M*A*S*H buffs—forcibly inserted into their shoulders.
Yes, Republicans, we can show John Kerry what we really think of his "Pussy Heart" medal by showing how easy it is to have a piece of metal plunged into your body. We can shoot you, or we can just hold you down and push really hard, though we prefer shooting you. We've been shooting a lot lately. Mostly from the rooftop of our five-story building, which is where the police found us when they wouldn't listen to reason that, yes, historical re-creations do in fact include presidential assassinations. Philistines. Anyways, we feel we were more than generous in replacing the items we destroyed: the window, the squeegee, Rick (the guy washing the window) and the bucket.
Anyway, Republicans, come on down to the Weekly (1666 N. Main St., Suite 500, Santa Ana) and let us put the metal to you and in you, preferably by shooting you. We'll be glad you did!