By Adam Lovinus
By Lilledeshan Bose
By Gabriel San Roman
By Rachel Mattice
By Stephanie Zacharek
By Daniel Kohn
By Nate Jackson
By Mike Seeley
Photo by James BunoanSo you're stretching a brand-new navy-blue fitted sheet over what is perhaps the smallest bed ever when he walks in. "Hey, roomie!" he gurgles, extending a hand. All you can see is his sizeable belly, thick neck and noon o'clock shadow, and you're puzzled: I thought I'd be rooming with another freshman? Then, noticing his off-kilter gait: Is this man drunk?
Welcome to college! Oh, but you don't drink beer? Aw, that's cute—sorta like those tears you wiped away as your mom sped off in the Vanagon.
Oh, but underage drinking is illegal? Think again: nothing is illegal in college—except studying—so snag a beer from your roommate, sidle up to the nearest upperclassmen, and put the money your mom gave you for chemistry lab fees—they're just for practice, anyway—toward a fake I.D.
Grab a pair of scissors and clip out this, Clubbed!'s very own guide to Orange County's finest college drinking to-dos (listed here in a weekly schedule because, well, somebody needs to be on top of things, right?)Monday
There, there, little buddy: nobody else wanted the weekend to end, either. Sure, you've got a practicum tomorrow and a 10-pager due Thursday, but let's be reasonable: tests are easy, and you won't begin that paper until Wednesday at 8 p.m. Instead, grab a pint, eat peanuts and shoot some pool at the Goat Hill Tavern. If you try a different beer each week, just maybe you'll make your way through their endless array of taps by the time you graduate. 1830 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (949) 548-8428. See also: O'Hara's Pub, Orange.Tuesday
Next to Thursday, Tuesday is hands-down the best night of your studious week. Think about it: you're already finished with Monday and more than halfway to Hump Day, which is halfway to the weekend. Lost? Don't be. Find yourself—and some sorority-girl action—at the Blue Beet, where the Abercrombie gods smile fondly on the self-tanned among us. 107 21st St., Newport Beach, (949) 675-2338. See also: Revolver at La Cave, Costa Mesa; "Shoot the Root" at Shannon's Bayshore Saloon, Long Beach; Steelhead Brewery, Irvine.Wednesday
Congrats! With the aid of your adorable writing tutor and a little caffeine, you breezed through your 10-pager this afternoon just in time to celebrate at Club Thriller with oodles of other 18- to 20-year-olds! Do what the cool kids on CollegeDirt.com advise and pre-party first, then unleash your mad robot skills on the dance floor at this always-bumpin' '80s club. Quan's Rockin' Sushi, 1107 N. Tustin Ave., Orange, (714) 532-6311. See also: unbeatable drink specials and hot, flat-iron-obsessed punkers at the Red Room, Long Beach.Thursday
By far the best thing to happen to college students since vaporizers and Instant Messenger, the switch to twice-weekly hour-and-15-minute classes has, for many students, re-defined the race toward the weekend. With fewer classes on Fridays, Thursday now heralds the weekend, and word has it that Paul's Cocktails, although typically a little scary—being a biker bar and all—gets overtaken on Thursdays by pretty young things cruising over from Chapman. Check it. 207 W. Chapman Ave., Orange, (714) 639-2480. See also: rare soul grooves and girlie drinks at Avalon, Costa Mesa; the smoking patio at the Continental Room, Fullerton.Friday
Long cited as one of the best college bars in Orange County, Fullerton's Off Campus Pub features awesome chicken wings, lots of TV screens for sports-obsessed wallflowers, and so much college memorabilia that you'll start reminiscing your better days even as you dance your way through them on the pub's newly renovated dance floor. 2736 E. Nutwood, Fullerton, (714) 879-8094. See also: the Cypress College kids throwing darts at Cliff's Hideaway, La Palma; the drunks puking their way from the Shark Club to The Huddle, Costa Mesa.Saturday
Studies—and by "studies," we of course mean our own experiences—have shown that whether or not you enjoy going out on a Saturday night depends on how much you enjoyed high school. Personally, there's nothing we like more than hearing our name shouted at ear-piercing octaves by drunk former cheerleaders, so we make a point of going to O'Malley's in Seal Beach every single Saturday. Well, sorta: we were dragged there once against our will, but instead of finding drunken former cheerleaders, we found friendly smiles, a cozy fireplace and a bitchen outside patio. 140 Main St., Seal Beach, (562) 430-0631.Of course, you're looking to hook up on a Saturday, so see also: beach babes at Sharkeez, Newport Beach.Sunday
Seeing as how Sundays are traditionally a day of rest, it's perfectly acceptable if you stay in tonight—loser. But if you'd like to join the hip kids—or just the youthful alcoholics among us—then Rock n' Roll Karoake at Detroit Bar is where you'll want to be on Sundays this fall. Featuring an all-night happy hour, no cover charge and a band that plays backup while you sing Bon Jovi, it's the perfect way to ensure a hangover for your Monday-morning chem lab. Oh, wait . . . 843 W. 19th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 642-0600. See also: your pillow; your roommate's pillow.